Ouran High School Detective Club
by LingShiao
Summary: Haruhi's kidnapped! Yes, for real this time. Now the Host Club must take on the roles of Sherlock Holmes and Watson to find her and the fiend who perpetrated the crime.
1. Hysteria

So! My first attempt at an Ouran fic! Hope you enjoy! Oh, and by the way, this is meant to be read in a very sarcastic sort of tone, but if I had to tell you that to make you realize it, then I've failed as an author. O.o So, please enjoy!

_----------_

_Ugh. This is ridiculous. _

I'm not ugly. I'm smart, kind, honest, and have friends who model positive behavior. I'm responsible, and stay cool in a crisis. I'm a pretty together person, despite a dysfunctional dad and a mom who's in heaven. I would make the perfect heroine for a manga, which is exactly why I _shouldn't_ be in one. So _what _am I doing here!

Haruhi groaned inwardly, more exasperated than scared. _What _is _this anyway?_ She thought wryly. _This looks like some cheesy set only Tamaki could come up with. _

She sat propped up against a cold, damp, stone wall, dusted with cobwebs. Her hands and feet were bound with coarse rope, and a white cotton handkerchief was tied around her mouth.

_I can see it now. Come one, come all, to see the Ouran Host Club as outlaws in a common folk's low-security prison! Seriously, come on! Iron bars and padlocks? Jeez, there's even straw lining the floor! _

Miles away, in a lavish mansion, the first rays of sunlight penetrated a gilded window. The heavy, velvet curtains were already drawn, allowing the fragile light to pour into the room, furnished in hues of scarlet and gold. The searching rays illuminated the figure on the canopy bed, a serene and almost angelic young man.

Tamaki Suoh murmured something in his sleep, and smiled contentedly. He rolled over, and opened his eyes sleepily. "Good morning, Antoinette," He murmured, hugging her and relishing the feel of her silky warmth against his bare chest. "Did you sleep well?" he asked, running his fingers through her golden mane.

Antoinette snuggled against him happily, and licked his nose. With a whine, she flipped over onto her stomach, begging for a belly rub. Tamaki grinned widely, and proceeded to tickle Antoinette until they were both breathless and panting.

He stretched, glanced at the mahogany grandfather clock in the corner and threw off the covers. _Hmm. Eight. Haruhi should be up._ _Common folk always get up early, right?_ He grabbed the phone off his bedside table before walking into his huge closet to pick out today's kingly robes.

He pranced through the cavernous room with Antoinette at his heels, swishing around his feet, trying her best to trip him. He sifted through various designer labels for the perfect first-day-of-summer outfit. Not that anything would be less than perfect on him. He was just _that_ hot.

"Haruuu-hii! Pick up your pho-oone!" Tamaki singsonged. The phone rang five times before Haruhi's answering machine picked up. Undaunted, Tamaki tried the cell phone Kaoru and Hikaru had given her. No answer.

No worries, Tamaki thought as he waltzed into the bathroom. All the better, in fact. This just meant he'd have to visit her instead. The intercom buzzed as he was brushing his teeth, always on time. "What would you like for breakfast, sir?"

"Nothing," Tamaki gurgled through a mouthful of minty toothpaste foam. Spitting, he mumbled, "I'm going to Haruhi's house for breakfast."

"Would you like me to prepare your car and chauffeur?"

Deciding he should be inconspicuous for Haruhi's sake, Tamaki replied, "Nah! Just get the car out in front, I'll drive myself. Oh, and make sure it's the BMW, not the Royce!" He added, pulling on his shirt.

"As you wish. Oh, and milord?"

"Ye-es?" Tamaki replied, hopping around on one foot, tugging on his pants.

"Do try to avoid the pedestrians," the voice on the intercom sighed

"I WAS _TRYING _NOT TO HIT THE SQUIRREL!"

It took Tamaki about ten minutes to find the doorbell, (it was so _small, _and the off-white color blended so well with the bland plaster surrounding it . . .) and another ten making sure the twins hadn't booby-trapped it. Satisfied, he pressed the button and waited patiently for an answer.

_Ding-dong. _

_Ding-dong._

_Ding-dong ding-dong._

_Ding-dong Ding-dong Ding-dong Ding-dong Ding-dong Ding-dong!_

"WHAT!" The landlady bellowed, yanking open the door, clad in a fluffy pink bathrobe with a greenish mud mask on her face, a cucumber on one eye, and her hair wrapped up in a frayed gray towel.

"AUUUUUUUUUUUGHH!" Tamaki shrieked, jumping about a foot high in the air. Scared witless, he stumbled backwards, tripped over a potted fern, and almost went flying. Gasping for breath, he clutched the railing with knuckles almost as white as his face.

_Do all commoner women perform this strange occult ritual! Could Haruhi be wearing the same hideous disguise right now? _Tamaki shuddered.

Peering at him from behind contact-less eyes, the landlady couldn't tell exactly who Tamaki was. "We're full," she said warily.

Shell-shocked and speechless, Tamaki stuttered, "W-w-w-w-where's H-h-h-haruh-h-h-i?

"I don't know. I think she's sleeping over at friend's." The landlady said thoughtfully, filing away at her nails, still eyeing Tamaki. "Her father left a few days ago for some work-related thing up in Nagashima, and I haven't seen Haruhi since yesterday morning."

It hit Tamaki like a ton of filthy bricks. Ranka had been gambling and fell deeply in debt with the tranny bar, and ran off to Nagashima to scour up some last-minute funds, but while he was away the tranny bar's hired muscle showed up and ransacked the house, but finding nothing of value tailed Haruhi to wherever she was going yesterday morning, kidnapped her instead and are planning to hold her for ransom until her father repays his debt in full and with interest! And if he never repays his debt . . . They'll send assassins for him! And worse . . . Haruhi will have to take her father's place at the bar! She'll be a girl pretending to be a man pretending to be a girl! No0o0o0o0o! Tamaki fell to his knees, spiraling down a neverending, imaginary abyss.

"Is something wrong?" The landlady asked, reaching for her broom. Just in case.

_Awp!_ Out of the blue, Tamaki realized he was still in public. _I mustn't frighten the common folk! _Without another word, he dashed off and hid behind a telephone pole. Frantically, his heart pounding, he dialed Kyoya's number. His fingers were shaking, and he could barely remember the speed dial number. The fact that all the numbers on the cell phone's keypad had magically transformed into absolute gibberish didn't help either.

-------------

What looked like a lump of blankets and pillows shifted and wiggled, and an arm popped out, fumbling for the phone. The groping hand found the phone and knocked it off its cradle. A long, elegant finger jabbed the speakerphone button.

"What. The hell. Do. You. WANT?" Kyoya growled. His voice sounded muffled to Tamaki, as though his head was still buried beneath the covers.

In his utter hysteria, Tamaki had forgotten that awaking Kyoya before he was good and ready made him cuddly in the special way that porcupines were. He and Hunny were simply alike that way. But for the sake of protecting Haruhi's virtue, he would take the risk. "Kyoya . . ." Tamaki wailed, tearing up.

"WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE WRONG THIS EARLY IN THE MORNING?" Kyoya roared, forcing his eyes open and squinting in the general direction of his digital clock.

"Eeep!" squeaked Tamaki, flinching. Almost dropping his cell phone, Tamaki juggled it as if it were a hot potato. Finally catching it, he heaved a sigh and put it gingerly back to his ear.

"It's nine-thirty! That's not early!" Tamaki whined. "And our daughter's been kidnapped!"

_I must still be dreaming. _Kyoya decided. He dropped the phone and rolled over, cocooning himself in his silk quilt. In about two minutes, he was fast asleep again, snoring softly.

"Did you hear me? Kyoya? Kyoya? Kyoya? HARUHI'S GOOOOONEE!" A gray cloud slowly descended upon Tamaki.

Muttering wrathfully to himself about how the whole world had gone insane in the space of one morning, Tamaki climbed back into his silver BMW and put the key in the ignition. Gunning the engine, the car came to life with a steady purr, and Tamaki sped toward the Ohtori estate.

"Name please," a slightly metallic voice droned.

"Tamaki, Suoh," Tamaki enunciated into the minute microphone.

"Entrance not granted," the voice replied.

"_What?_" Tamaki screamed in indignation. Rattling the cast iron gates furiously, he bellowed, "IT'S TAMAKI SUOH! TA! MA! KI! SU! OOOOHH!"

"You may be Mr. Suoh's son, but if you don't shut up, I'll set the dogs on you!" a familiar voice growled.

"Oh, Mr. Ohtori, charming as usual!" A deviously sweet smile spread across Tamaki's face. "May I inquire as to the presence of your third son?"

"I'd say no, but you'd probably persist in asking anyway," he replied dryly. "You may enter," he finished, heaving a sigh.

The bronze gates creaked their complaints, as if groaning in agreement. His face set in a deep frown of determination, Tamaki strode off into the giant courtyard, cobbled with white, gray and black stones, and edged in perfectly manicured lawns. He ignored the winding path, and proceeded over the impossibly bright green grass.

"_KINDLY _DO NOT TRAMPLE OUR GRASS, MASTER TAMAKI."

For the second time this morning, Tamaki leapt a foot up into the air. However, he managed a brilliant sidestep, and continued to make his way purposefully up the walk.

He barged through the imposing mahogany double doors, and galumphed up the stairs with the impressive white marble banister and long Persian rug. He shoved open the doors to Kyoya's room with a bang, and marched right up to Kyoya's bedside . . .

Just as Tamaki drew the royal blue curtains open and allowed light to flood the room, Kyoya opened one glaring eye, and let out a slightly feral growl.

Tamaki twitched rather violently, but managed to avoid turning tail and running away.

"Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!" Tamaki sang jovially.

"MRGMPH." Kyoya grunted, deciding that Tamaki wasn't worth wasting his valuable beauty sleep time.

Only vaguely perturbed, Tamaki set to work calling the rest of their family group.

He three-wayed the twins and Hunny from Kyoya's cell phone, and called Mori from Kyoya's home line. His cell phone he kept open for Haruhi.

"Ehllo?"

"'Lo."

"Ohayo!"

"HARUHI'S GONE!"

Mori, Hunny, Hikaru and Kaoru in unison: "Huh?"

"Ranka had been gambling and fell deeply in debt with the tranny bar, and ran off to Nagashima to scour up some last-minute funds, but while he was away the tranny bar's hired muscle showed up and ransacked the house, but finding nothing of value tailed Haruhi to wherever she was going yesterday morning, kidnapped her instead and are planning to hold her for ransom until her father repays his debt in full and with interest! And if he never repays his debt . . . They'll send assassins for him! And worse . . . Haruhi will have to take her father's place at the bar! She'll be a girl pretending to be a man pretending to be a girl!"

An awkward silence descended, thick as the frosting on Hunny's birthday cakes. Then, shattering the silence like frail glass, the twins burst out laughing hysterically. Tears sprung to their eyes, and they clutched their sides, gasping for breath. "Oh, yes, milord! Just like last time! She went bankrupt, fled by night and ended up in Karuizawa! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

Tearing up as well, but for a completely different reason, Tamaki turned to Hunny and Mori for comfort. "You believe me, right?"

"Well . . ." Hunny hesitated. "If Haru-chan isn't answering her phone and isn't home and hasn't been seen for a while . . . then I guess we should investigate."

"I'll go." Mori said simply.

"Splendid!" Tamaki put down Kyoya's cell phone and whispered into the larger phone, his eyes gleaming.

A short while later, Hunny burst through the door with Mori close behind him, the (still laughing) twins slung over his shoulders like matching sacks of potatoes.

"HAH." Tamaki grinned. "You should have known better than to defy the King." He waggled a chastising finger over their heads.

"Milord, the only reason we were so easily captured was because we were laughing at _you!_" Hikaru and Kaoru wheezed in unison.

Tamaki shrugged. "Whatever works. How do you know that wasn't the effect I was going for?"

"Because only the shadow king could come up with something as devious as that." Hikaru explained, speaking slowly and loudly, as if talking to a dunce.

"Speaking of which, where is he, anyway?" Kaoru asked, looking around. His eyes came to rest upon the snoring lump on the bed.

Hikaru glanced at his twin. Kaoru met his gaze. Hikaru grinned devilishly. Kaoru cocked his head in Kyoya's direction and arched an eyebrow. Hikaru nodded, his grin spreading. With equally cattish expressions, the twins crept up to Kyoya's bed.

"GOOOOOOOOD MORNING!" They both bellowed. Kyoya sat bolt upright, a frenzied look in his eyes. He had just enough time to see Tamaki and realize that his earlier awakenings weren't in fact dreams before each twin gripped an end of the bed and tilted it sideways, tipping the Shadow King right off.

Kyoya rolled off the bed and landed on his face with an undignified _whump,_ a tangled mess of sheets and blankets.

Slightly dazed, Kyoya rubbed his eyes and blinked blearily.

The twins and Hunny leapt behind Tamaki, using his body as a human shield, giggling madly the whole time. Meanwhile, Tamaki had turned a strange shade of purple with dread.

With a terrific yawn that spread across his whole face, Kyoya found his glasses and slid them onto his face. Immediately his bedhead disappeared, and the fierce feral quality was gone from his eyes. "Why are all of you clustered behind Tamaki?"

-------------------

The door to Haruhi's cell creaked open with a strange noise, like an obese mouse being trodden upon. Haruhi awoke from her dozing with a start, and found herself staring into the faces of two well-muscled men, dressed in severe black suits, with matching gray silk ties and aviator sunglasses.

They didn't speak to Haruhi, but untied her hands. Right before clapping shiny steel handcuffs on her wrists.

"What do you think you're doing!" Haruhi cried in dismay. Unfortunately, with the handkerchief tied around her mouth, what came out was: "Wud hoo hink hur hu-enng?"

The two body guards merely exchanged glances, shrugged, and hoisted Haruhi to her feet. They half dragged, half carried her to a waiting car outside. It was a medium-sized car, probably custom-made. It was longer than your average sedan, with three rows of seats instead of two. Angular, black, brandless, unassuming and inconspicuous, it idled outside the building, which was a real prison, much to Haruhi's surprise. She was dumped in the back seat, and the two men slid into the front and middle.

"Drive," one of them commanded, and with that, they left, stirring up a cloud of dust on the otherwise empty road.


	2. Clues

WHEEE! Chappie two! Luv to all my reviewers! Cookies to all that review this chap too! YEA! By the way, who would like me to include a flashback to the squirrel incident somewhere in the upcoming chapters? Review and vote!

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"Soo . . . What are you all doing here?" Kyoya repeated, only mildly surprised.

Instead of answering this question, Tamaki thrust a toothbrush, toothpaste, and a change of clothes into Kyoya's hands and shoved him into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him with a jarring _thunk_.

More out of curiosity than anything else, Kyoya decided to humor Tamaki and proceeded to brush his teeth and change. Freshened up and now thoroughly awake, Kyoya reentered his room, bracing himself for the worst possible caffeine-induced Tamaki paranoid rant.

Sure enough, Tamaki was pacing wildly, a sort of frenzied look in his eyes. He was stirring up little swirls of dust (Kyoya made a mental note to talk to the housekeeper) and threatened to wear a rut in the floor.

The others were lounging in various parts of the room. Mori stood, leaning against the wall, while Hunny perched on a swivel chair, resting his arms and chin on the chair's back. Kaoru had made himself comfortable on the bed, propping his head upon his knees, with Hikaru draped over him. All four of them were watching Tamaki pace: Hunny as if it were the most riveting thing on earth, Mori and the twins with rather bored expressions.

After standing in the doorway for several more seconds, assessing the situation, Kyoya cleared his throat loudly.

He almost swore he felt the room tremble as everyone jumped at least an inch, save Mori.

"KYOYA!" Tamaki cried, rushing to him and gripping his shoulders tightly.

Frankly, Kyoya had heard this one too many times this morning, and it was seriously grating on his nerves. He was quite ready to forgive Tamaki for waking him so rudely, but if he kept this up, Kyoya might just have to resort to more drastic measures.

However, Tamaki remained oblivious to all this and continued, undaunted. "Haruhi! Our daughter! She's!" He sputtered.

Fixing him with a slightly pacifying, slightly threatening gaze, Kyoya held up one finger. He found his phone among the snarl of blankets now gracing the floor and buzzed the house staff. Tamaki stopped cold.

"Ooh, husband and wife telepathy!" the twins muttered among themselves.

"I bet he's getting the Ohtori Secret Service on the job right now!" Hunny whispered excitedly.

An expression of slight surprise swept briefly over Mori's face, like a candle flickering in the breeze.

They waited in silence.

"Mhmm. Oh? Hunh. Well, okay." Kyoya hung up the phone. Moments later, there was a knock at the door. Kyoya answered it, and when he turned around again, he held a silver tray on which sat two slices of toast, a mug of coffee, a biscotti, a bacon and pepper omelette, and a glass of oj.

Ignoring the slack-jawed silence that permeated the room, Kyoya began to eat.

And then Tamaki's stomach growled.

Oh yeah. He had meant to con Haruhi into making him breakfast. Whoops.

Tamaki's stomach gurgled again, and the twins snickered cattishly. Staring longingly at the omelette, Tamaki coughed pointedly.

Kyoya merely stared at him and sipped his black coffee.

The little gray cloud hanging over Tamaki sank a bit, engulfing his head. Heaving a melodramatic sigh, Tamaki produced a large hanging map of Japan and the surrounding areas seemingly out of nowhere. "SoO . . . Has anyone seen Haruhi after school ended two days ago?"

"No," everyone chorused.

"No secret vacation plans you'd like to share with me?" Tamaki cast Kyoya (and his omelette) a sidelong glance.

Carefully chewing and swallowing the biscotti before answering, Kyoya replied, "No."

"Ooh! Ooh! Tama-chan!" Hunny waved his hand excitedly.

"Hunny?" Somehow a long wooden pointer had materialized in Tamaki's hands. Now he pointed it imperiously at Hunny.

"Well," Hunny tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I just thought of something."

"Yes?" Tamaki prompted, now hanging on to his every word like someone drowning would cling to a life preserver.

"What if Haru-chan was kidnapped by aliens?"

Again, silence came crashing down with an almost audible thud.

Tamaki had frozen solid, and the color drained from his whole body, leaving him a brittle husk.

Kaoru gingerly nudged him with a toe, while Tamaki's new pet cloud drenched him with freezing rain and pelted him with hailstones. There was even a small lightning bolt that zapped the tip of Tamaki's nose, causing him to shatter into a zillion pieces.

"Sorry Hunny, but I think we'd know if aliens abducted Haruhi," said Kyoya calmly.

"How?" persisted Hunny.

"I know everything," Kyoya answered smoothly.

As everyone exchanged leery glances, Kyoya offered his omelette to the quivering heap that was Tamaki.

Tamaki nibbled the eggs halfheartedly, then realized they were delicious and downed them in record time. Wiping his mouth, Tamaki seemed fully rejuvenated. "So, since Kyoya hasn't heard of any UFO sightings, we can rule out the possibility of an alien attack. Haruhi was last seen two days ago, so all we have to do is search these areas." He drew a wide circle on the map.

"Actually, you're off by about 1.8 meters," Kyoya corrected him, drawing a slightly smaller circle.

"What if they made off in a plane?" Mori asked.

"Yeah!" Hunny agreed. "Then they could've circled the globe by now!"

Sensing that Tamaki would have an aneurysm soon if the shocks didn't stop, Kyoya swooped in with a save. "Hostages would be hard to get through customs."

"Private jet," Mori said gravely.

"Why would someone rich enough for a private jet kidnap a commoner?"

"To force a business deal on Tamaki's family," said the twins, who'd actually been following the conversation intently.

"Only a true dunderhead would do that," Kyoya relplied flatly.

"What?" Hikaru and Kaoru almost squeaked in indignation.

"In proposing the deal they would have to reveal themselves entirely, or at least give us enough information for a quick and easy persecution," Kyoya explained patiently.

Tamaki brightened again, losing his gray pallor. "All right then! Now let's go!"

"Hold it." Kyoya held out his hand, indicating Tamaki's car keys. "Mori and I will drive.

"Whyy?" whined Tamaki and the twins.

"Because you two don't have valid licenses, Hunny's feet can't reach the pedals, and must we _really _relive the squirrel incident?"

--------------

Alone in the back seat, Haruhi had nothing to do but speculate on who could have kidnapped her. For some peculiar reason, Kyoya popped into her mind. Nah. Kyoya had nothing to gain by keeping her hostage. He could be evil incarnate if there was an adequate prize to win, but otherwise he was content to allow the Host Club and the rest of the world a free rein. As far as Haruhi knew, she hadn't made any enemies at Ouran, and her dad wasn't into gambling. The twins were prank kings, but they were mischievous, not malicious. So, Haruhi reasoned, this must be a completely random and capricious act of malevolence.

Anyone but Haruhi would be thrashing around like mad and sweating buckets, but being in the constant company of Hikaru, Kaoru and Tamaki (especially Tamaki), had given her patience far beyond that of any normal human. So, Haruhi remained calm, saving her strength for the opportune moment.

Haruhi was still awaiting that moment when, an hour later, the car pulled up at a crumbling property on the outskirts of a rural town.

According to the sign that swung on groaning hinges, the ancient Victorian was a historical monument. However, by the chipped and peeling paint, splintering wood, and thicket of weeds standing sentinel by the front gate, this house had been long forgotten.

The car door opened with a muffled _clack_, and Haruhi slid out as best she could, teetering but somehow managing to keep her balance. One of the men stayed behind her, while the other bent down and untied her feet and hands. Haruhi seriously considered kicking him in the face and making a break for it, but as tempting as that was, she decided to cooperate, fearing that if they caught her they'd make her hop like a bunny the rest of the time she was in their custody.

As soon as Haruhi's feet were free, one of them prodded her in the back with something narrow and slightly pointy. Deciding it was better not to know what it was, Haruhi began walking. Picking her way through the brambles, Haruhi eventually reached the threshold of the dilapidated house. The man who looked slightly taller than his partner didn't bother trying the doorknob, but instead kicked the door open. Haruhi had the distinct impression that the other rolled his eyes at this, but with the sunglasses, it was hard to tell.

She knew the moment she set foot inside the house that she would wear a million of the twins' stupid bikinis or ten million of Tamaki's even stupider dresses if she was rescued right now.

The moldy roof sagged like the jowls of an aged man, and the floorboards creaked when Haruhi's feet touched them. The air smelled musty and stale.

Pale sunlight filtered in through yellowing lace drapery, illuminating a room furnished quite richly with fluffy rugs and plush chairs, and a long table of polished wood, all coated in a fine layer of gray dust.

However, Haruhi's captors decided that this luxurious abode was too much for Haruhi, an led her down a rickety flight of stairs, into the basement. The door opened with a muffled moan, and a sense of foreboding chilled Haruhi. A light flickered to life.

_Oh Kami._

If the outer rooms had filled Haruhi with the irresistible urge to Swiffer the whole place, the basement room cleared all previous thought from her mind. The place looked like the inside of a vacuum cleaner bag.

Haruhi wandered a few steps in, mouth agape. After a few moments, she realized she'd even forgotten to breathe. Lest her knees buckle beneath her, she collapsed heavily onto a thin mattress.

FWUMP

POUF

A cloud of dust erupted from the mattress, consuming Haruhi, the only object in the room not frosted with dust. "AWP!" Haruhi yelped, unable to even think something coherent.

A snicker escaped the lips of one of the bulky men, before he swung the door shut so hard that the whole framework of the house shuddered. Of course, that jarred the shock from Haruhi's bones, (along with more dust from the wooden walls, and several spiders from the ceiling) and she began to take stock of her surroundings.

There was the stained mattress she sat on, which rested on a flimsy, tarnished silver metal bedframe, a limp shelf that reminded her of her miserably failed attempt at growing a potted orchid, a blackened and slightly charred looking furnace, and a tangle of pipes winding their way across the ceiling.

Brushing some of the dirt from her hair and clothes, Haruhi gingerly flicked on the light switch, half expecting the lamp to explode in a flash of lightning. Sparks momentarily brightened the murky room, a result of faulty wiring. The single light bulb blinked, as if winking impishly at Haruhi. She was instantly reminded of the twins. Like Hikaru, it might annoy her to death, but at least it was somewhat helpful, like Kaoru on a good day.

Planting her feet carefully, wary of any random nails, thumbtacks, or squishy banana peels, Haruhi made her way to the door. As she rattled the doorknob furiously, Haruhi resisted the urge to scream until she keeled over and died. Breathing deeply, she took inventory. The room was devoid of any decoration and anything that could be of help. Unless she stabbed one of them with a pole from the metal bed frame, she mused. _I hope they've had their tetanus shots. _She smiled, looking just a bit like Kyoya.

After entertaining that idea for several more minutes, Haruhi heaved a sigh (she seemed to be doing that a lot lately) and sorely missing the twins (for their lock picking skills if nothing else), plucked a clip from her hair and set to work picking the lock on the door.

An hour and three ruined clips later, Haruhi heard a satisfying click. _Finally!_ she thought, unable to keep from feeling slightly giddy. She tugged at the clip, for the doorknob wouldn't turn if the clip was left there, and was more than ready to make her escape. However, the clip disagreed. It stayed firmly lodged inside the lock.

_Hikaru or Kaoru would've known how to pick this stupid lock in a snap_, Haruhi fumed. She never thought the day would come when she would have given all her teeth to have one of the Hitachiin twins with her.

She gave the hairclip one final, desperate tug. To her surprise, it came loose almost immediately . . . but not all of it. The metal part she'd used to pick the lock was still jammed inside it, effectively preventing her escape.

Haruhi snapped. "AAAGHJSKSODIWNSLOSDNFILEDEEDDDDEEEERRGH!"

--------------------

"Kyoya, where's my magnifying glass?"

"Tamaki, at the risk of disturbing your investigation, you never had a magnifying glass," Kyoya replied, leaning against a wall and scribbling something in his ledger.

"Nonsense! The Sherlock cosplay costumes all came with magnifying glasses." Tamaki began to rifle through the many pockets of his plaid tweed jacket.

"I still think we should've started searching at the perimeters," Kyoya said airily.

"Have you never watched CSI?" Tamaki asked incredulously, rounding on Kyoya and waving his magnifying glass in Kyoya's face. "You're always supposed to check the crime scene for clues first!"

"Actually, I'm quite fond of CSI." Kyoya pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and his eyes flashed. "But it would be _practical_ to get some professional investigation teams on the case, or at least a patrol to start circling the area, making sure they don't get any farther away."

"That's true, Milord-" Hikaru looked up from where he was dusting for fingerprints.

"You should at least admit that we have-" Kaoru added.

"Not the slightest idea what we're doing," they finished in unison.

Indeed, the Host Club was basically floundering in the dark without a flashlight, or even an unlit match. The members were scattered among various parts of the apartment, doing a truly pathetic job of examining the place for clues.

The twins had been put to work dusting for fingerprints, using cocoa powder, paintbrushes, and tape. Both twins were now chocolate-coated, having engaged in a cocoa fight, and half the kitchen had been smothered in Hershey's hot cocoa mix, with tape hanging in festive clumps from the refrigerator, counter and doorframe. Not a single print had been found.

Mori and Hunny were searching for "clues." However, since neither had any idea what they were searching for, all they'd succeeded in doing was overturn a couch and relocate several dust bunnies from who knew where.

Kyoya groaned mentally. Haruhi would have a fit when she saw what they'd all been doing to her house. Turning back to his black, leatherbound notebook, he scrawled in neat but boyish handwriting: Call cleaning crew. As an afterthought, he added: NEVER leave the twins unsupervised with a tin of powdered hot cocoa mix.

"Mori, perhaps you could use Hunny to search some of the more cramped spaces in the apartment?" Kyoya suggested, trying to add some order to the chaos.

"Maybe we should check Haruhi's room," Mori rumbled.

"Hai! I'm on it!" Hunny scampered up and raced for Haruhi's room, only to find a panting, slightly mad, very flustered Tamaki blocking the door.

"No one goes into my daughter's room without persimmons!"

Hunny, taking one look at the fangs Tamaki had sprouted, yeeped like mouse and hid behind Mori. The twins snorted, then convulsed in sneezing fits from the cocoa they'd inhaled.

Kyoya groaned again. "Tamaki, as understandable as your panic is, there is no excuse for spoonerisms. Kindly let Hunny into the room, and think before you speak."

Hunny sidled past Tamaki, giggling almost hysterically. He peered into the space below her dresser, and saw a small scrap of paper in the shadows. Lying down on his stomach, he inched up the the dresser and slid his arm into the small space. His fingers found the paper, and he pulled it out.

557 Shidakun, Tokyo.

"Guys! I found a clue! I found a clue!" Hunny danced out of the room victoriously. "Here!"

"Alright! 557 Shidakun! That's where we're going!" Tamaki burst out of the apartment, the others at his side.

---------------------

Hey! All you guys on the FROP forum, I kept my promise ne? This is the update for September!


	3. Prison

The silver BMW trundled along, bouncing slightly to the rhythm of the uneven streets.

Mori frowned slightly as he stared out the window, watching the blur of the ashy brown trees and dirty gray buildings as they whizzed by. Why did the street name seem so familiar? He was driving mechanically, halfway lost in his thoughts. The speedometer inched closer and closer to ninety. But it was okay. They hadn't passed any other cars on the cracked concrete road since about an hour ago.

"Are we there yet?" Tamaki whined inevitably.

He could be such a _child. _Couldn't Tamaki see he was trying to think!

Mori groaned inwardly.

_557 Shidakun? Shi-da-kun. Reminds me of ice cream. Wait. Shidakun? Shidakun! _He realized with a start, tightening his grip on the steering wheel. "Didn't Kyoya's family have a small villa in the countryside around here?" Mori asked suddenly, breaking the dreary fog of confusion that had clouded them since they left Haruhi's apartment.

"Really?" Hunny asked, leaning over so his round face appeared in the overhead mirror. "They did?"

"Must've been a while ago. I don't remember Kyoya saying anything about knowing the address," Tamaki interrupted, his face appearing beside Hunny's, eyes unnaturally wide, distorted by the mirror. _Though Kyoya's been known to keep information to himself . . ._ Tamak amended mentally, a frown creasing his brow.

"Call him," Mori suggested.

Hunny pulled out his pink cell phone with a jingling of bells, and punched in Kyoya's number. He waited patiently while the phone rang, swinging his feet merrily.

Meanwhile, in the black Mustang, Kyoya was driving, while the twins, already slightly bored, were watching reruns of Will and Grace in the backseat.

Kyoya's expression was unusually frosty, as though he was staring daggers at the road. His mouth was a rigid, horizontal line stretched thinly across his face. Breaking the silence, a chipper melody began to sound from Kyoya's pocket. Without taking his eyes off the road for a second, Kyoya whipped out his phone and deftly swiveled it open. It was one of the new models, with a navy blue faceplate and the keypad below the screen, accessible when you twisted the bottom of the phone.

"Lho?"

"Kyo-chan, did your family ever have a villa in Shidakun? Hunny chirped.

Kyoya paused. "Hm. You know, that address actually did sound familiar."

Kyoya furrowed his brow, reaching as far back in his memory as he could. A flash of realization struck him, but it was as fleeting as it was sudden. The crease in his forehead deepened as he tugged at the recollection, but it was like quicksilver, trying to catch mist. Grabbing it by the tip of its silvery tail, Kyoya's eyes gleamed.

"Oh, you mean that little Victorian-style cottage my father bought for my mother a few years ago for their anniversary? Yeah, it was in Shidakun."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU MENTION IT BEFORE!" Tamaki's shrill scream came through slightly muffled, as though he was talking through a mouthful of pudding, but it was still loud enough to be audible to the twins, who snickered and turned their attention to the phone.

"Yeah, it was a nice little house." Kyoya continued, unflappable as usual, and paying no heed to Tamaki. "But it never had anything to do with me, so I never paid it any attention."

"You've never been there?" Mori's voice came over the line, crackly now as they passed through a canopy of trees. He sounded slightly incredulous, but it was hard to tell through the static and his usual solemn tone.

Evidently, Kyoya was on speakerphone.

"I've probably been there before, not that I remember what it was like." There was a pause on the line, and Kyoya's shrug was almost audible. "I never gained anything out of it."

"Typical," Tamaki muttered, cupping his chin in his hand and propping his elbow on the armrest. "You think we can crash there tonight?" he asked louder.

"Probably, but as soon as my mother tired of it, we sold it to the historical society for quite a handsome sum. Though I suppose they'll let us bunk there for just one night, if the twins don't break anything."

"_HEYY!" _The twins chimed.

"We can behave when we want to," Kaoru said obstinately.

"There simply hasn't been adequate compensation for us to be quiet," Hikaru teased, sounding uncannily like Kyoya.

Kyoya rolled his eyes. "Shut up. We'll be at the address in twenty minutes."

-------------------------

The imposing building glared down at the six host club members. It was an old fashioned jail, a stocky tan structure, no flourishes, no nonsense. The double doors were a crocodile grin, stretched across its face.

A walkway of sandy dirt was separated from the rest of the foreground by thin planks of wood, stamped into the ground years ago. Sparse grass populated the dirt surrounding the path.

"What . . ?" Kaoru's voice trailed off.

Hikaru was shocked into speechlessness, an incredulous scowl spreading over his face.

"It's a commoner's low-security prison," Tamaki whispered, shocked. Then, waves of confusion broke through to his consciousness. "Haruhi's in prison?" He murmured, bewildered.

"We have to bail her out!" Hunny squeaked. "Quick! How much money does everyone have?" He rifled frantically through his pockets, searching for his wallet.

"I doubt its still in use," Kyoya said, catching everyone by their toes before they completely drifted off into LaLaLand.

Brought back to reality, they stood there wordlessly for several minutes, sizing up the building.

Mori, for once, broke the silence. "We should go in."

The twins elbowed Tamaki. "You go first."

Tamaki, biting his lip in a vain effort to keep abject terror from flooding his features, shook his head soundlessly.

Hikaru jabbed Tamaki in the stomach. "Tono-o."

Kaoru poked Tamaki's cheek. "Do you want to save Haruhi or what?"

Blinking furiously, Tamaki gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. _FOR HARUHI!_ He screamed mentally, and marched to the imposing double doors, the sandy dirt crunching beneath his feet.

He reached the door. And balked. He gulped, choking back his fear, and glanced over his shoulder for reassurance. The others were clustered together, still at the end of the walkway. They smiled at Tamaki in what was meant to be a encouraging fashion, though they actually did a better job of scaring Tamaki than comforting him.

Tamaki grimaced, er, grinned, back. He reached out and pushed on the wooden door. It didn't budge. Tamaki pushed harder, putting some muscle behind it. The hinges groaned.

Finally, Tamaki put his whole body weight against the door, feet scrabbling on the gritty soil. The door resisted, then swung open with a protesting squeal; a pig being led to the slaughter.

He stepped inside and was assaulted by the dank and musty air. The doors opened into a long hallway of chambers with barred doors, cloaked in shadows. Licking his lips nervously, Tamaki motioned for the others to follow him. Suddenly, he was parched.

_What I wouldn't give for a smoothie . . ._

The twins stuck together, even more closely than usual. Hunny clung to Mori like a squirrel to a redwood. Kyoya repressed a shiver.

They crept down the hall, making no unnecessary movements, hardly daring to breathe. Tamaki led the way, while Mori and Hunny surveyed the rooms to the left, and the twins examined the ones on the right. Kyoya brought up the rear. After the first five cells, the hall split up three ways, with a passage on the right and left, and another one continuing forward, deeper into the dark.

They halted one by one, as Tamaki glanced nervously down each of the hallways.

"Which way do we go?" Hikaru asked quietly. There was something forbidding about the place that did not allow them to speak above a whisper.

Tamaki ran his fingers nervously through his hair and opened his mouth to speak, but Kyoya stepped up instead, taking charge.

"Tamaki and I will continue down the hall. Mori and Hunny will turn left, and Hikaru and Kaoru will go right." He spoke loudly and clearly, defying the eerie stillness and the way his voice ricocheted off the walls.

Hunny shook his head quickly. Mutely he tugged on Tamaki's sleeve and pointed to the left corridor. Then he pointed at himself and Mori and the middle hall.

"I think he wants to do down that way, where there's more light," Mori translated.

Hunny nodded fearfully.

"Fine," Kyoya replied tersely. "It doesn't matter which way we go."

"What do we look for exactly?" Kaoru said, before they turned to go their separate ways.

"Anything out of place," Kyoya answered. "Open cells, cells with the straw knocked askew, anything."

With that, they split up.

As they crept further into the darkness, Kyoya pulled out his cell phone and began using the lighted screen as a flashlight. Tamaki followed suit, but the meager illumination only served to highlight the shadows that lurked in every corner.

Suddenly, Tamaki's phone began to ring, and Hunny's smiling face flashed onto the screen. Fingers trembling, Tamaki pressed the talk button.

"Have you found her yet?" Hunny asked anxiously.

Tamaki let out the breath he'd been holding. A part of his was relieved that they had not found Haruhi in one of the cells, hurt, or . . . Did he dare think it? Dead. The other part of him was absolutely hysterical, still not knowing what happened to her.

"No," he replied, managing to sound reasonably calm.

"Neither have the twins," Hunny cried, now dangerously close to tears. "Or me and Mori!" he sobbed, his voice cracking.

"Oh, Hunny, don't worry, I'm sure she's fine. This is Haruhi we're talking about," Tamaki soothed, despite the gray pallor on his own face, the way his voice shook, and the unsteadiness of his own knees.

He forced himself to keep on walking, and to keep his eyes open. Kyoya followed alongside him, silent, but his unwavering composure was an anchor nonetheless. Tamaki's eyes darted over every old bale of hay, every corner at least twice, but found nothing.

Kyoya clapped his hand on Tamaki's shoulder. "We should stop for tonight. Getting frantic won't help. Let's get a good night's sleep and continue again in the morning. The address probably meant nothing. Maybe she's not even missing. We're probably overreacting."

"I didn't want anyone to panic," Tamaki said in a hushed voice. "But I _know _Haruhi's been kidnapped!" He flipped open his cell phone and opened his text messages. He passed the phone to Kyoya.

Kyoya scanned it quickly, his eyes skimming the glowing words. His eyes grew rounder behind his glasses, and the corners of his mouth edged downwards. He furrowed his brow. Heaving a sigh, he closed the cell phone.

"Oh god. Oh _god_." He lifted up his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "A ransom note _sent from Haruhi's cell phone_? Why didn't you tell us?"

"I told you. I didn't want anyone to panic," Tamaki said guiltily.

"It says Haruhi will be delivered unharmed to the second Suoh mansion if you leave ten million yen in the old garrison, in Shidakun. Cell fifty-one." His eyebrows lifted in surprise. "Wait. Were you hoping to find Haruhi here?"

"I don't know. Maybe we could . . ."

"No," Kyoya said flatly. "Everyone's tired. We need to tell everyone about this note, and get a professional sweep on this place, and Haruhi's apartment."

Tamaki took a long look at Kyoya, ready to protest, but conceded. "Okay. I'll try her cell phone again."

-------------------------------

Haruhi couldn't bring herself to sleep on the moldy mattress, but she had nothing else to do. So, instead she perched herself gingerly on the edge of the mattress, and picked at her nails angrily. She had tried extracting her hairpin at least a million times, using the other, bent pins as chopstick-tweezers.

And now, she was stuck, doomed to rot in this stupid room forever. Even her captors couldn't get to her, short of breaking down the door. And she highly doubted they would do that. So, no meals. No water.

Her cell phone had been taken away and probably smashed to bits, and she didn't even have a spoon with which to tunnel out.

_RAAAWR._

But wait? What was that? She could distinctly hear a hum of voices through the floorboards. She climbed up onto the mattress and strained to hear the murmuring.

It seemed to get fainter the more she struggled to decipher the words, much to her desperate frustration. She caught only a snippet here and there, but what she did hear made her breath stick in her throat.

"Ohtori . . . Secret Police . . . No . . . Find the Snow White . . . Airport . . ."

_What?_ Was that even possible! Though now that you mentioned it, the suits did look familiar. Though almost all security guards looked the same. It seemed like they came in a sort of regulation size and color.

And what could Kyoya, or the Ohtori family in general, possibly gain from holding Haruhi hostage? It was absurd! It was BEYOND absurd. It wasn't Kyoya at all. Though Kyoya was a genius at this stuff, so it wouldn't surprise Haruhi if there was some hidden gain in all this.

And now Haruhi had managed to confuse herself beyond what she thought possible. She'd probably heard wrong. After all, they'd said something about finding Snow White? Yeah, right.

Haruhi yawned. She wanted nothing more than to go to sleep, and thus brushed off most of the dust from the mattress, and tentatively lay down, using her jacket as a pillow.

She tried to relax, and took a deep breath, sure she was inhaling more dust than oxygen. She closed her eyes, trying to forget about the whole day. Usually Haruhi went over the day's events in her mind to fall asleep, but now she wanted nothing more than to stop thinking. She'd had way too much time today for _that_.

Surprisingly, thinking had actually exhausted her, and it wasn't long before Haruhi dropped off into a restless slumber.

She dreamt many dreams, and in all of them, there was one recurring theme. Kyoya.

The first time he was a goose wearing glasses, and Haruhi was at the park, feeding the ducks. Every time she threw food to the ducks, the goose swooped in and grabbed it. Finally, angry at the goose, she swung out to kick him, but the goose snapped at her and ate her foot.

Then the goose was gone, and Haruhi was underground, at a train station. The train she was waiting for was coming down the tunnel, and she could hear the rush of the wind. She looked down the tunnel, and the train's headlights glared at her, like the sun glancing off lenses. The train whizzed past her, whipping her hair, and stirring up dust, so much dust.

When the dust was gone, Haruhi stood in a boxlike room, with two oval windows. The box grew smaller and smaller, until she was pressed up against all its sides.

Then, the pressure was gone, having morphed into a firm but gentle embrace, and Haruhi looked up, wondering who was holding her.

_Mmm. Tamaki? Eeh? Kyoya?_

And with that, the dreams faded into black, and Haruhi was deeply asleep.


	4. Dumb Luck

I's SO SO SO sorry I missed the November update!!! But I had a sudden inspiration for a Wish oneshot (also being published today) and was so bogged down in projects (3 papers!! THREE!!) that I had no time at all to write. And this is getting published on the last day of December because I so busy cramming for finals that I only started writing again on Christmas break. Having 3 honors classes and 1 ap class suck. Though things won't get busy again till like April, so further updates should be on time. Ahah. Please don't hurt me! T.T

---------------------------

The setting sun glowed deep red, tinting the sky brilliant shades of fiery orange and gold. Above the vivid hues of sunset, the sky faded to a velvety blue-black cloak, with a spattering of twinkling stars.

Beneath the vibrant sky, our Host Club trudged out of the old jailhouse, thoroughly shaken. For once, no one knew what to say. Tamaki's once playful eyes were now brooding, as were Kyoya's onyx ones. Hunny and Mori stood off to the side, their expressions unreadable.

Hikaru kept running his fingers through his hair, while Kaoru fidgeted nervously. He chewed his bottom lip, crossed and uncrossed his arms, and shifted his weight from leg to leg anxiously. It looked like Tamaki and Kyoya were fighting. Really arguing, not in the usual old married couple way. He tried hard not to stare, because looking made him more antsy, but his eyes kept flicking back to them, like suicidal moths to a flame.

Tamaki and Kyoya, especially Kyoya, had been vague and cryptic whenever he asked them what was going on. He hated not knowing what was happening, the feeling that someone was keeping secrets from him. It made him itch with an insatiable curiosity that wouldn't leave him alone, pecking away at him until he figured it out. However, now that same curiosity was edged with an inexplicable dread that intensified the pecking into relentless stabbing.

Both he and Hikaru had treated the whole day like an adventure, like a mystery game to be solved. In fact, he had been just about to congratulate Tamaki on his most intriguing setup yet, when the grave expression on Tamaki's face stopped him cold. Now, he was almost sure that this had not been intended as a game at all, or something had gone dangerously awry. But if this wasn't just another cosplay scenario, then what were they doing here? Why hadn't professionals been hired?

He was debating on the best way to approach Tamaki and Kyoya when Hikaru stepped forward and cut through the silence with a remark as blunt as a butter knife.

"Tono . . . this isn't fun anymore." Hikaru fiddled awkwardly with the green scarf he was wearing when he realized the frankness of his words. "We'd like to go home now," he finished quietly.

"This isn't supposed to be _fun_!" Tamaki hissed, whirling around to face him. "Not everything that happens is meant to amuse you!"

"What the hell's your problem?" Hikaru shot back.

"How are you so immature as not to see the problem in this?!" Tamaki snapped.

"I would if you'd deign to explain, or is his lordship Teppan-Maki too high and mighty to speak to his lowly subject?" Hikaru taunted. (note: Teppan-Maki means "tuna roll")

"Lowly doesn't begin to describe you," Tamaki spat. "Insignificant prat."

"Haughty jerk!" Hikaru snarled.

"Fatty!"

"Baka!"

"Geek!"

"Stupid!"

"Idiot!"

"Otaku!"

"Twit!"

"Nincompoop!"

"Nerd!'

"_Lardbutt_!"

"_Rat's ass_!"

"_TEPPAN_-MAKI!"

"_KANGA_-RU!"

Panting, fuming, and utterly foaming at the mouth, Tamaki made an unearthly sound in the back of his throat and lunged at Hikaru. "URAGHAASSSAGIIIIDFRIISHATAR!!!"

Hikaru ducked and dodged nimbly, then leapt upon Tamaki before he even hit the ground.

The two crashed down hard with a loud _WHUMP, _then disappeared into a whirling cloud of dust.

"YEOUGH!!" Someone yelped in a strangely falsetto voice, followed by more battle cries, and a frenzied scream of "RABIES!! RABIIIIIEEESS!!!"

"EEENNNOUGH!!" Kyoya roared.

Kyoya had observed the insult hurling with a fairly bemused expression. He would have tolerated the small scuffle as well, but things were getting out of hand. _No one _under _any _circumstances broke the biting rule. The _last _thing he needed was for someone to get sent to the hospital for rabies vaccinations. He suppressed a groan, rearranged his glasses, and gathered up what was left of his sanity.

"CEASE AND DESIST!" He thundered.

Hikaru and Tamaki froze, and the dust cleared. Tamaki was on the ground, and Hikaru was sitting on top of him wrangler style and attempting to strangle him with his scarf.

"What the devil is wrong with you two?!" Kyoya barked. "Hikaru, get off of Tamaki and kindly allow some air to reach his windpipe. We don't want our lord losing any more brain cells. Tamaki, for all our sakes, take the blow to your enormous ego and just tell every one what _exactly _is going on! You two have been performing an Irish river dance on my last frayed nerve! A RIVERDANCE FOR GOD'S SAKES!!"

Tamaki glared at Kyoya, unflinching, the only one who dared (or was stupid enough) to challenge the demon king. "Fine," he replied begrudgingly. "I'll tell everyone when we get to our hotel. Or wherever it is we're sleeping."

"NO." Kyoya said flatly. "You tell them now."

The two faced off in a staring contest, a battle of wills. Purple aura flames reared up from Kyoya, and clashed with the blondish gold reiki emanating from Tamaki.

Of course, Kyoya's dark energy overpowered Tamaki's, and the king once again gave in to the will of the shadow overlord. Not that anyone had expected anything otherwise.

"Mhphft." Tamaki gave a grunt of consent. "But I want food first."

An adequate compromise, Kyoya decided.

"And I want you to pay for it." Tamaki finished, a smug grin pulling at the corners of his mouth.

_Eh?_ Kyoya's glasses almost fogged over from shock. The nerve! Ah, well. Wasn't there a burger joint close to here?

-------------------------------

Haruhi woke up with a pounding headache. Those had to have been the weirdest dreams she'd ever had, especially that last one. Well, okay, that one time she dreamed about Tamaki dancing around in her living room wearing nothing but his underwear was weirder, but still. Freaky.

_Gurgle._

And on top of all that, she was hungry. Terribly hungry.

------------------------------

"Um, what the hell is a 'Whopper?'" Hikaru asked, eying his food skeptically.

"Are the refills really free??" Hunny added, his eyes wide. "Can I really have as much fruit punch as I can drink?"

The six young men were seated at a large table, each perched on a very modern looking chair, with sparkling red vinyl plush seats. They looked completely out of place, and by the way everyone was cautiously sniffing the greasy food, it didn't take an idiot to figure out that this was the first time they had eaten at a Burger King.

Well, except for one.

Kyoya's eyes gleamed, and he replied glibly, "A Whopper is a burger, which is a patty of grilled ground beef sandwiched between two pieces of lightly toasted bread called buns, and slathered in tomato ketchup, mustard, then layered with cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, and onions in that order, and topped off with two pickles. And yes, Hunny" he continued, "You can have as much punch as your bladder can take. But isn't my epicurean knowledge of the common folk's gourmet beside the point?"

He turned to Tamaki. "You've got your food. Now tell everyone what's going on."

Tamaki gave Kyoya a slightly pleading stare, then reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out his cell phone.

"Wait." Kyoya picked up a tray and held it over his head.

The twins (and several passersby) stared. Mori arched an eyebrow.

"What are you doing?" Hunny asked warily.

"Just trying not to get orange soda all over my new shirt," Kyoya replied. He motioned for Tamaki to continue.

"Er, well, I know Haruhi's really missing, because while the rest of you were searching Haruhi's apartment for clues, I received this ransom note and-"

_PFFFTT!_

_SPLOSH._

"YOU RECEIVED WHAT?" The twins exploded.

Kyoya lowered his tray, having narrowly avoided death by soda. Moments ago, the twins had spat out their soda in a fantastic display of lung power, spewing out two orange fountains like matching whales.

"YOU RECEIVED WHAT?" They repeated in perfect unison.

"Well, it was a text message, really," Tamaki amended. "And it coincided with the address Hunny found on the scrap of paper."

"Gimme that!" Hikaru snatched the phone out of Tamaki's hands. He stared at it for a few long seconds. Then he snapped.

"**_GADSBAGGINFRAGGIT_**!!!!" Everyone in the room leapt at least a foot and turned to see Hikaru raise his arm to lob the phone at Tamaki.

Just in time, Kyoya plucked the cell from Hikaru's hand, and all that hit Tamaki was a rush of air. Suppressing another groan, Kyoya pulled out his own phone, and pressed a few keys. Both phones beeped and flashed, and Kyoya pocketed his, while handing the other back to Tamaki.

"I just forwarded the text message and number to my techies. Even if the kidnappers broke the phone, they can still get a fix on its last location, if it had GPS, which most new phones do," he explained. "And if not, then they can tap into the system of wireless networks and pinpoint which one was used to send the text. That'll help narrow down the search radius. Factor in the time when the message was sent and the time elapsed, and we'll have a fairly good idea of where to look."

Hikaru glared at Tamaki for a few moments longer, then snorted disdainfully.

"Tono, I'll forgive your idiocy if you give me your fries."

------------------------------

Haruhi's stomach gurgled insistently. She resisted the impulse to tell it to shut up. Instead, she counted how many hours she'd been captured, and how much longer it would take for someone to notice she was gone.

_Hm. They abducted me late yesterday night, or really early this morning, depending on how you look at things, then dumped me into the garrison. Then those two other guys came about five hours later and drove me here. So I've been here a little over 12 hours. Joy._

Just then, her ears picked up the faint murmur of voices again. They were back, and by the sound of it, discussing her fate.

Haruhi got to her feet, and perched on top of the bed again, trying to get as close to the ceiling as possible without jumping up and down on top of the mattress.

"Airport!" shouted one indistinct voice.

Another one grumbled its unintelligible dissent.

More mumbling. Then someone raised his voice, and the mumbling stopped. This voice spoke clearly: "We'll just take her with us, and keep sending ransom texts to the numbers on her phone. We can take her outta the country tonight; there's a plane leaving early tomorrow morning to Tibet."

The other voices groaned, but some voiced their approval. Apparently the one who just spoke was the boss, or another high point of authority.

Haruhi's mind was racing, and her heart was pounding. Now she was beginning to panic.

_Tibet?_ She though weakly, feeling woozy. At least they weren't planning to kill her. Yet.

And not only had they not broken her cell phone, they were planning to send more texts. If she knew Tamaki, he would drive himself into a minor state of hysteria about her not answering his calls, and end up tracking those texts. And airports were crowded, right? She could pretend to use the bathroom and then make a break for it. Oh, if only she didn't have such turtle legs!

Now, the airport was about two hours from here, if they were in a city neighboring Tokyo, which she was almost sure they were. So, she had just a few short hours to devise an escape plan, or to have someone rescue her. Dear Lord.

---------------------------

"Kyoya, I don't care how much it costs, but we are _not_ sleeping in that," Tamaki said flatly.

The rest of the group continued to stare speechlessly at the rambling Victorian that stood before them.

It was once a proud and beautiful house, with detailed edgework along the railing and façade, white and lacey. Now, grime was all that laced it, and the much of the delicate detailing had been either worn away or snapped off. The white paint had yellowed, peeled, and then been covered in at least three year's worth of dirt and dust.

The murky windows gleamed at them in the moonlight, daring them to venture in.

"It's going to eat us," Hunny whispered fearfully.

"Look, its long past dark, and all the hotels were fully booked," Kyoya replied. "It's the high season for tourism, and therefore there aren't any openings, unless you would like to drive all the way back to Tokyo."

"Not even a roach coach motel?" Tamaki asked, skeptically.

Behind his glasses, Kyoya's face was unreadable. "Think about it. You can't have any idea what kind of people use those motels. There are unidentified dark stains on the walls, cockroaches darting in and out of the closets, all matter of fungus growing in the toilets, and you have no idea what parasites call the sheets home."

"Cock . . . Roaches?" Hunny asked fearfully, his eyes like light brown dinner plates.

"Now this place has been untouched by those Roach Coach vagabonds, and although it looks run down on the outside, the inside is probably just a little dusty. Plus, no one's ever slept in it, so there's no need to worry about that."

Tamaki heaved a sigh. "Well, it _is _five hours back to Tokyo."

"One night won't kill us," Kaoru said.

"It could be fun," Hikaru added.

Hunny smiled again. "I've always wanted to sleep in a haunted house."

With that agreed upon, Mori silently began the trek into the brambly front yard. Making his way past the thicket of weeds that grew as high as his waist, he stepped carefully onto the wooden stairs leading up to the front door. The stairs creaked and moaned softly as Mori's feet padded across them, and only stopped when he did, at the front door.

Cautiously, he tried the doorknob. He turned it once, and found it to be locked. He rattled it a bit, hoping that the lock would give way. It didn't. He turned to Kyoya for approval, arching his eyebrow and cocking his head towards the door.

Kyoya shrugged.

Taking this as a signal to do whatever it took to get them in, Mori sized up the door. Swiftly calculating how much effort it would take to knock the door clear, he paused, then backed up a few paces, and rammed the door with his shoulder.

The brittle wood gave way easily, and the well-placed blow jarred the door from its frame, so that it dangled drunkenly on one hinge.

He peeked in, then motioned for the others to follow him.

-------------------------

Above her somewhere, Haruhi heard a muffled thump, then the creaking of floorboards.


	5. Guilt

AAARUGH. Not AGAiN. I missed another deadline, ne? SAWRIEE!!! But I had a Concert Choir project, AP Portfolio Project, English book report, and essay to write. I was drowning in it. DROWNiNG!!! And as soon as I got one thing done, another project was dumped upon me like a glob of lime Jello. Bleeech. It'll be worse next year, with FIVE honors classes. T.T When I signed that thing approving my schedule for next year, I think I also signed my death notice. O.o

That being said, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for all the reviews and the c2!!! My first c2!!! KWEEE! DD

Oh. One more thing. To Tama-chan and all his fans, I'm so sorry for the Tama-abuse in this chap. Eheh. If it helps, I'll put in a Tama-hero-scene at the ending!

----------------------

Haruhi's breath stuck in her throat. Who could that possibly be? It couldn't have been her captors, they'd used a key and always entered with stealth. Could this be a rival gang? If it was, perhaps she could convince them to free her! After all, they would have no reason to allow her to be killed.

_In fact, they'd probably jump at the chance to foil the gang's plans!!! _Haruhi thought, with a somewhat frenzied look in her eyes. Then, another loud thump and what sounded like a series of small explosions jolted her back to her senses. _Or they could just kill me._ She realized, sinking to her knees, as a cloud of hopelessness descended upon her.

On the ground she stayed for a few moments, wallowing in the little puddle her hopelessness cloud created, until she realized what she was doing.

_Dammit! Tamaki's really rubbing off on me._

She shook her head as if to clear it. "I should start yelling and making noise," she told herself. "Whoever or whatever they are, it's better than being hauled off to Tibet!" she said loudly, trying to convince herself. She even laughed, just for good measure.

Then, once more she realized what she was doing, and vowed to slap herself if she ever talked to herself out loud again.

---------------------

Mori peered into the shadowy depths of the house, then gingerly set foot in it. The floorboards creaked once in protest, then fell silent as the Mori slunk in surreptitiously, like a panther on the hunt.

Kyoya crept in next, almost as silent as Mori, a liquid shadow. The two stuck to the darkness, slightly crouched.

However, the twins and Tamaki were slightly . . . _less _than quiet.

"Oy! Fatass, the hell are you doing??" The twins shouted in perfect unison.

Tamaki and both the twins had darted for the door at the exact same moment, firmly lodging them all inside the doorframe.

"Me?" Tamaki almost squeaked in indignation. "I'm running to save my daughter! What are you guys doing?" He squirmed, thrashing.

"Oy, my hip!" Hikaru cried. A demonically vengeful look in his eyes, he jabbed Tamaki viciously between the ribs.

"KWEEE!!" Tamaki yelped, sounding like a koala falling out of its tree. He latched onto Kaoru's ear before falling head over heels and conking his head on the doorjamb.

Kaoru, dragged down by Tamaki's weight yet still smushed in place by Hikaru, did a spectacular double flip that would've scored a perfect ten, had he landed on his feet. Instead, he crashed down with his ankles where his wrists should've been, his head pressed up against Tamaki's derriere.

Kicking and screaming, jabbing and pinching, Tamaki, Kaoru and Hikaru proceeded to tangle themselves so badly that it was impossible to tell which limbs belonged to who. None of them were even sure which way was up anymore. They looked like some sort of tri-headed, hexa-armed, hexa-legged warped space creature. All that could be seen was a head here, a leg oddly twisted there, one or two flailing arms, and maybe a sprinkling of eyes and gnashing teeth in between.

Mori's stomach gurgled loudly as he watched the spectacle, and he was inexplicably consumed with a desire for omelet. _A king-sized serving of scrambled hosts, anyone? _He thought vaguely, a weak attempt at making light of the situation. It had been an excruciatingly long day for both him and his stomach.

"BUN BUN KiiiiCK!" Hunny sprang straight up into the air, and unleashed his infamous specialty sidekick. His heel mercilessly ejected Tamaki from the host omelet, striking him square between the shoulder blades and launching him face first into the room.

Tamaki caught his fall with his hands, but when he was about perpendicular with the floor, the momentum from the kick propelled his feet forward, like a human slinky. He probably would've stuck the landing, had he not slipped on a random banana peel.

The world swam before his eyes, as ceiling melded with floor, and gravity seemed to forsake its hold on him. Tamaki had never guiessed how bendy his spine was until that very moment. That appeared to be the only thought that crossed his mind as he rolled, head over heels and heels over head and head over heels and heels over head and head over heels and

_THWACK._

With an impact that dislodged several planks of wood from the ceiling, along with various insects, Tamaki collided with the wall. Strongly reminded of the time he'd experienced food poisoning while being seasick on a yacht during a tempest, he swayed dizzily, trying to regain his bearings.

Meanwhile, a Ming vase tottered precariously on its shelf. It teetered ever so slightly, half securely on its ledge, the other half suspended in thin air. It stopped.

_FWOOP_.

As though the vase had had a mind of its own, it leaped off the shelf and engulfed Tamaki's head.

As the light was extinguished from his vision, the entire day's events had finally taken their toll on Tamaki. A twig snapped in the dam that held his sanity, and all his stress and worry came gushing out in a mighty tsunami. In other words, he had a minor breakdown.

"LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!!!! YOU'VE BLINDED ME!!!" Tamaki screeched, weaving his off-kilter way toward the twins. He wobbled drunkenly to the left, then pirouetted back on track. "THE DARKNESS IS EATING MY SOOOOOUL!!!" He babbled.

Then the weight of the vase tipped him over, and he fell on his face, smashing the antique vase into a million tiny shards.

And all was silent as Mori picked up Tamaki and hoisted him over his shoulder. The Idiot King had fainted dead away.

-----------------------

_Dear god._ Haruhi was unsure of whether to laugh or to cry. _Was that a bomb? _

Then, she remembered the Ming vase she'd seen upon entering the house.

_Only one person would be stupid or careless enough to smash that priceless vase . . ._ Haruhi found herself thinking. But what were the odds that that one person would find her here? Slim to none.

Still. What other source of egress was there? Haruhi steeled herself for whatever was coming, be it a crazed Tamaki-rant, or a raging gang of dim-witted criminals.

"HOOOOYY!!!" Haruhi screamed. She stomped her feet and banged her fists against the door. "DOOOWWN HERE!!! HELLLP!"

----------------------

"BWAHAHAATCHOOO!!" The backward momentum of Kaoru's sneezing fit propelled him back into Hikaru, who tripped over Hunny, who fell heavily onto a couch that seemed to be full of dust, not stuffing.

"GEERTCHOO!!" The three of them sneezed in unison, harmonizing perfectly with each other, as though they'd rehearsed.

Kyoya made a mental note: "Research the possibilities of an experimental Host Club Choir."

Kaoru sniffled. "Kyoya, remind me never to listen to you about hotel accommodations again."

"Frugal McFroogyPants," Hikaru muttered, as Hunny giggled.

"Kyoya, if we sleep in this, we're going to end up looking like dustmen," Mori said bluntly, in an uncharacteristically long sentence.

Kyoya merely sighed, then replied, "I admit, conditions might be worse than I expected, but we'll have to make do. Sleeping in this dust won't kill us," he finished, although despite his words, he found himself disdainfully calculating the spot with the least dirt.

The twins and Hunny had spread out, exploring and stirring up a small recreation of the American Dust Bowl.

Meanwhile, Tamaki was still slung over Mori's shoulder like a shot deer.

Then, his lordship's ears twitched slightly. A faint cry wafted up from a door hidden on the side of a winding staircase, waltzing its way to Tamaki's eardrums.

His sleeping subconscious roused itself to listen. The voice was familiar. And distressed. Was it worth listening to? It was a girl. One of his fans? No, he'd never heard this one fangirling over his host magic.

Hmm. She had never succumbed to his charms. That narrowed the list down rather sharply. As far as he could recall, only two girls had never responded to his allure the way he'd meant them two. Renge and Haruhi. Was it Renge, then? No, no, the voice couldn't belong to Renge. It was far too sweet and familiar, far too different from Renge's stridency. This was a voice Tamaki would always recognize, now and forever. Even in his sleep.

So that meant it had to be . . .

Tamaki's eyelids fluttered open. He was woozy, completely dazed. That had been quite a bonk to the head. The fuzzy outline of the house swam into focus, and Tamaki regained his bearings. Then, his supersonic dog-radar ears picked up on the voice again, and this time, it clicked instantly in his mind who it was.

"HARUHIII!!!!!" Tamaki bellowed, springing from Mori's back like a cat that had been zapped with 10,000 volts and then doused with scalding water.

He hit the ground running, and dashed to the sound of Haruhi's voice. He bounded towards the hidden door on the side of the stairwell, and launched himself into the air, executing a perfect spinning back kick. "STARLIGHT KIICK!!!"

Tamaki sailed clear through the brittle wood of the door, but his feet flailed uselessly as he plunged down into the darkness that led to the basement. Tamaki had just succeeded in catapulting himself into empty air, straight over the stairs.

He tumbled to a stop a few feet from the foot of the stairs, and gathered his bearings for a second. Then, his Haruhi-radar locked onto its target.

"HARUHI!!" Going from zero to 92,387 miles per hour in two seconds flat, Tamaki tackled Haruhi in a suffocating embrace.

Frozen from either shock or relief, even she wasn't sure which, Haruhi endured Tamaki's choking snuggle gracefully, as the other members of the Host Club picked their way through the wrecked doorframe.

"Tamaki, what the hell did you think you were doing - Haruhi?" Kaoru's voice trailed off in confusion as he stared, slack-jawed, at the little tableau before him.

Kyoya's glasses slid a few centimeters down his nose, and it took every stubborn fiber in him to keep his composure. "Haruhi, how exactly did you get down here?"

Haruhi faltered at this. "Well, that's a good question actually," she began, trying to extract herself from Tamaki, who was in some state of oblivious euphoria, nuzzling Haruhi and purring drunkenly.

"Kyoya, what's the commotion abou - Haruhi??" Hikaru struggled to process this new development. "You're!! This house?? All this time?! But we've been! And Tamaki said! STOP CUDDLING HARUHI LIKE SOME FILTHY ANIMAL!!!" Hikaru blustered.

He leapt to Haruhi's aid, and yanked at Tamaki, who clung to Haruhi with the strength of a crazed monkey.

Then Mori entered, carrying Hunny high above his head, like an airplane.

"Neeeeroooowwwmm! Eh? Haru-chan?" Hunny stopped in mid-whirr.

_Haruhi? Where? _Mori, in a state of internal shock, fumbled Hunny and nearly dropped him.

"Well, now that the gang's all here, maybe we can sort this out," Kyoya said wryly.

"Yes, that'd be good," Haruhi replied.

"Uwaah!" Hikaru, meanwhile, had succeeded in prying off Tamaki, only to have the backwards momentum throw him into an involuntary somersault. Immediately, Hikaru scrambled up and sat on Tamaki to keep him from throwing himself at Haruhi again.

"Thank . . . You . . ." Haruhi said haltingly. "Erhm. The thing is, I really have no idea how I got here. I wasn't even thinking about something like that, honestly."

"Why am I not surprised?" Kyoya muttered testily. "Well, I suggest that we get the heck out of here before we try to sort anything out," Kyoya said. "I know it's late, but I sincerely doubt that any of us can get a good night's sleep after all this."

"Don't we need to figure out who did this?" Kaoru asked, bewildered.

"No," Tamaki growled through clenched teeth. "We don't." He rose to his feet, easily shrugging Hikaru off his shoulders.

"_What?_" both Hikaru and Kaoru cried.

"I already know who did it," Tamaki seethed, stalking towards Kyoya.

Kyoya raised his eyebrows impatiently. "Do enlighten us," he snapped, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Tamaki came to halt and nonchalantly folded his arms. His amethyst eyes glittered frostily. Sweeping his arm in a wide arc, he pointed imperiously at Kyoya.

"Kyoya Ohtori, you are hereby expelled from the Host Club on charges of kidnapping Haruhi!"

----------------------------

WAIIT! THIS IS NOT THE ENDING! WE STILL HAVE QUITE A WAYS TO GO!! THIS IS NOT THE ENDING!! THERE WILL BE FUTURE CHAPTERS!!! THIS IS NOOOTT THE ENDING!!!!


	6. Innocence

Hmm. How did you guys like that chapter? Anyway. In this chapter, we'll either arrest Kyoya or clear his name, and hopefully get well on our way to nabbing those gangsters. DD

----------------------

All the color had drained from Kyoya's face. Aghast, he stumbled several steps backwards, as if his knees couldn't support his weight. For Tamaki and the others, his shock and outrage only further condemned him.

"How dare you!" He finally managed to choke out. "On what grounds do you make those accusations?" he demanded, livid.

"I'm actually surprised I didn't notice it before. You, Kyoya Ohtori, are a criminal mastermind." Tamaki sighed in mock admiration.

"And what does that make you?" Kyoya snapped. "Criminally insane?"

The rest of the Host Club stood aside in a stunned silence, absolutely flabbergasted. This was an event without precedence. Their Idiot Lord, challanging the Shadow King? And actually having a point?

Haruhi could hardly believe her ears. Had her instincts been right?

Tamaki shook his head. "Kyoya, I declare you guilty on charges of attempted kidnapping!" He thundered imperiously.

"Will you listen to yourself?" Kyoya growled. "You shouldn't be putting me in handcuffs, I should be putting _you_ in a straitjacket!"

"Kyoya, I wish you wouldn't deny it," Tamaki pleaded. His violet eyes grew misty and brooding with true sorrow. "You're my best friend."

"Hold on, Tamaki," Kaoru said suddenly, suddenly regaining his voice. "How do we know Kyoya is to blame?"

Gathering his wits about him, Hikaru added, "He's right. If this concerns a member of the club, dont' you think we should all be included in the proceedings? Kyoya's been with us since the start. He shouldn't be expelled just for that. And we don't even know his motives for kidnapping Haruhi."

Kyoya's eyes flashed angrily. "For the love of all that is holy, I didn't kidnap Haruhi!"

Hunny whimpered fearfully. He pressed into the side of Mori's leg, trying to hide himself in the shadows.

"I believe Kyoya," Mori muttered.

Haruhi's eyebrows knitted together. "Kyoya, not that I'm accusing you, but I did hear your family name mentioned by the gang members that locked me in this room."

Tamaki latched onto this new tidbit of information instantly.

"And Kyoya, need I remind you that you initially hung up on me and refused to help search for Haruhi?" he asked airily.

"You _woke me up_," Kyoya hissed, venom in his gaze.

"You hesitated in answering my questions when I was briefing all of you for your mission."

"For the love of God! I was chewing!" Kyoya protested.

"You reduced the size of the search circle."

"So we wouldn't waste time!"

"You wouldn't give me my magnifying glass--"

"WHAT?"

"You gave some pretty convincing reasons why rich people of your station wouldn't kidnap Haruhi," Tamaki continued, undeterred.

"Because they were completely true and sensible," Kyoya replied through his teeth.

"As alibis, yes. You were secretive about this villa." Tamaki was now counting off the number of reasons with his fingers.

"I didn't remember it," Kyoya rubbed his eyes wearily, looking visibly haggard.

"And lastly, our own Haruhi heard your family name mentioned by her kidnappers," Tamaki finished with a flourish.

Hikaru exchanged uneasy glances with Kaoru.

Mori clapped a hand on Kyoya's sagging shoulder. "I'm sorry, but Tamaki's claims do make sense," he murmured.

"Well, most of them, anyway," Hikaru amended.

Haruhi's eyes clouded over with worry. What had she just witnessed? It made no sense, and yet all the sense in the world. Or perhaps it was simply that the lack of food had made her addled. Either way, she was dumbfounded, unable to process any more information without risking a breakdown of all metabolic systems.

Meanwhile, Tamaki's heart felt like a block of lead throbbing in his chest. He fingered the keys on his cell phone, smoothing his thumb over them. Then, drawing strength from the warmth of Haruhi's presence beside him, he dialed the first number.

9.

The cell phone's lighted keypad blipped grimly.

1.

The second blip resounded like cannonfire.

1.

Tamaki's thumb lifted off the number, ready to apply the slight pressure to dial the final digit. He braced himself.

"WAIT!!" Hunny's shrill cry startled everyone in the room, Hunny himself included. "Wait, wait, wait . . ." he whimpered.

Tamaki stared at Hunny as if he'd suddenly sprouted pineapples from his ears. And yet . . . was that a glimmer of hope in his eyes?

Tears were streaming down Hunny's face, reddened with his weeping.

He sniffled, wiping furiously at his tearstained cheeks.

"Hunny? Hunny, what is it?" Haruhi bent down to be at Hunny's eye level. She stroked his hair, trying to comfort him.

Hunny's shoulders were shaking uncontrollably, heaving with each great sob. He tried to speak, but all that came out was a dry rasp, his throat having been thickened with emotion. He looked up briefly, and flinched when his gaze met Kyoya's.

"It . . . wasn't . . . It wasn't . . ." Hunny faltered.

"What wasn't it?" Haruhi asked, brushing Hunny's long bangs from his eyes.

"It wasn't . . ." Hunny gulped for air. "IT WASN'T KYOYA!!! I KIDNAPPED HARUHI!!!" he wailed.

He darted to Kyoya and wrapped his arms around his waist. "I'm sorry!" He mumbled, over and over again. "I almost got you put in _jail_!"

Kyoya smirked. "Told you." He reached down and patted Hunny's head soothingly.

Thunderstruck, Tamaki's jaw hit the floor, where it twitched and flopped around uselessly. He floundered for words. He blubbered. He babbled. Then he realized what a fool he was making of himself, and snapped his jaws closed.

"Wha-wha-hwa--But the _clues_??!" Tamaki yammered.

"I had my bodyguards 'kidnap' Haruhi really early in the morning today," Hunny began quietly.

"Or really late in the night, depending on how you think," Haruhi interjected.

"And I had her dropped off at the old jail and imprisoned. I planted the note in her apartment that led you to the old garrisons." Hunny sniffled, accepting a tissue that Mori handed him.

"_Why?_" Tamaki asked, utterly lost.

"Well, it was actually kind of because of you, Tama-chan," Hunny replied, drying his eyes with the soggy tissue.

A cold, stale wind whistled over them as what Hunny's explanation sailed straight over everyone's heads. They exchanged befuddled glances as the spiders crawling around on the ceiling halted their web-weaving, and even the dust particles paused, suspended in the thick, musty air.

Mildly surprised that everyone had no idea what he was talking about, Hunny said to their blank faces, "Don't you remember the last day of school before break?"

The last day of school before break had been a quiet one. Everyone knew that it was merely ceremonial, the only reason they were all still here was so that the school council could give their little speeches to the school's benefactors, and the benefactors could in turn recognize yet another astounding semester. Other than that, it was utterly pointless.

And yet, Kyoya still insisted on having one last Host Club meeting to review their revenue, techniques, and to plot, er, plan, for next semester.

"SCORE!! I win! I win! I win!! I have mastered the art of deciphering mysteries!!" Tamaki cheered, waving the twin's Nintendo DS above his head.

"Good morning, Tamaki," Kyoya greeted him. "You finally finished that Nancy Drew game?"

Tamaki grinned widely. "I've solved the case! You wouldn't believe it! It was actually the baker's nephew's dog walker's son's baseball coach that stole Mrs. Pallawallachacha's golden coconut and murdered her tuna!"

"Interesting," Kyoya replied, no longer listening.

"How long did it take you to beat that game?" Hikaru snickered, sauntering in.

"Only a month!" Tamaki said defensively.

"We beat it in two hours," Kaoru chortled, slinging his arm around Hikaru.

"Well, that's coz you share two brains!" Tamaki cried.

"Which is two more than you have, right, Tono?" Hikaru teased.

"Exactly!" Tamaki exclaimed. "Wait. NO! I mean! I challenge you two to a mystery writing contest! I'll write one, and you two will write one, and whoever can't solve the other person's mystery wins Sherlock's crown! (Note: Sherlock didn't wear a crown. Ever.)"

"We accept!" The twins chorused, knowing full well they'd win.

At this moment, Haruhi trotted up to the imposing doors, her face flushed from running. She was late, as usual. Oh well. What were they going to do? Fire her? Yeah, right. She tugged the door open, peeked inside, saw that Kyoya was facing the other way, then sidled into the room.

"Late." said Kyoya flatly, without even turning to face her.

Doh . . . How does he do that? Is he some sort of demon? Taking another look at his face, unreadable behind his glasses, Haruhi decided that it would be best not to dwell on such thoughts.

"Haruhi!" Tamaki beckoned to her. "The twins and I are having a mystery contest! Would you like to join us? You can be on my team!"

"Winner gets to dictate the loser's punishment!" Hikaru called out.

"We're making Tamaki dress up like Hello Kitty!" Kaoru added eagerly.

Shaking her head, Haruhi replied, "No thanks. I'll just watch."

Hikaru and Kaoru pouted, two identically disappointed faces. "Haruhi, you're no fun."

Tamaki sighed gloomily, cradling his head in his hands. "Sometimes I think I'd like to kidnap Haruhi and make her play with us."

"And how would that make her play with us? Eh, Tono?" Hikaru asked sulkily.

"Stupid Teppan-Maki." Kaoru added, half-heartedly lobbing a crumpled paper at Tamaki's forehead.

And thus, all the blame rested, yet again, on Tamaki's shoulders.

He crumpled under the immense weight of this burden, sinking to the floor in utter despair.

Then, a loud rumble. A category four earthquake? The foundation of the house crumbling? A tornado? No, merely the complaints of Haruhi's starving stomach. She grimaced and rubbed her empty belly.

"Ahh, Hunny, could I get my phone back so I could order something to eat?" Haruhi asked.

"Huh? I don't have it." Hunny replied, blinking in confusion. "I didn't take it from you. Mori, did you?"

Mori shook his head.

Slightly taken aback, Kyoya asked, "Wait. Then who sent the text messages from Haruhi's phone?"

Hunny shook his head. Mori shook his head. The twins shrugged. Tamaki twitched.

"Hold on a tick," Kyoya said. "So Hunny, you didn't know that Haruhi was here?"

"Nope," Hunny replied. "That's why I was so scared at the garrison. I thought she'd been eaten by the ghosts or something."

"Speaking of eating," Haruhi persisted, "My stomach is beginning to consume itself from the inside out. Can we _please _go get a burger or something?"

Kyoya nodded. "I'll go start the car. I don't think any of us will be able to get to sleep tonight." Shaking his head, he trod up the stairs.

Tamaki's mind began to clear itself. If Kyoya was innocent, and Hunny hadn't put Haruhi here, there was clearly some other culprit involved besides the two of them. The first step to nabbing them would be to catch the gangsters. The only way to catch a gangster was to be one. That would involve Bossa Nova.

He whipped out his cell phone, opened his address book, and searched for the kindly demon's number.


	7. Sting!

And now, Kasanoda-kun's getting dragged in. Quite literally, as you'll soon see. Yay!! I think I even surprised myself with that one. Ahahah. That was totally on a whim. But I think it'll be fun to have Kasanoda involved, no? And now that it's summer, hopefully updates will become more frequent. Yay!

---------------------

"Mmm . . . Tha's not how you play kick the can, Haruhi. ZzzZzz . . . Here, lemme show you how . . ." Kasanoda smiled in his sleep and cuddled up to his pillow. He chuckled and snorted, a little bit of drool leaking out of the side of his mouth.

Tetsuya and the others exchanged wary glances. No one ever woke Boss when he was asleep. Ever. And somehow, the pale light cast by the cheap lamps combined with the way he was cackling . . . _chuckling_, made the prospect even scarier.

"Ehrm, boss?" Tetsuya reached out and gingerly nudged Kasanoda with the phone. "Boss? Phone for you." Nudge. Nudge. Nudge.

"UHH!!?" Kasanoda grunted blearily. He forced his eyes open and squinted at his awakener.

Truthfully, all Kasanoda really wanted to do was figure out who was talking to him. Unfortunately, his eyes were so bloodshot that they more resembled tomatoes than eyes.

Tetsuya twitched violently and broke out in a cold sweat, but managed not to wet himself. However, the other yanki weren't taking any chances, and leapt back three, four, maybe five feet, tops. Exchanging glances with each other, they decided it was best to leave Tetsuya to the task, and began oonching out the door.

Kasanoda groaned and rubbed his eyes. "Whaz goin non? If we not udder attack righh now, I like t'go back ta shweep." He stared dully into the darkness. "Ish it th'aliens?" he slurred.

Tetsuya balked. _Aliens? Did he say aliens? He couldn't have said aliens. What rhymes with aliens? Baliens, caliens, daliens . . . _Drawing a blank, Tetsuya had no choice but to ask: "Aliens? What aliens?"

Kasanoda blinked, suddenly realized he was awake, and groaned as his world swam into bleary focus. He shook his head to clear it of the dratted early morning haze. "Never mind. Whad'ya need?"

Tetsuya squeezed his eyes shut and held out the phone. He figured he was good so long as he didn't have to look into those tomato . . . eyes. The other yanki peeked in from the relative safety of behind the doorframe.

"Whoze it?" muttered Kasanoda thickly, as though his tongue was made of oatmeal.

"Some guy named Tamaki, sir. We don't know what he wants. It sounds urgent though." Tetsuya chanced another look at Kasanoda.

Mumbling something incoherent, Kasanoda begrudgingly extracted himself from the bed. He swept his scarlet hair (so much silkier now, since he'd been using that shampoo that Tamaki had recommended) into a low ponytail and slipped on his robe.

Tetsuya cocked his head. "Boss, what are you doing?"

"Knowing Tamaki, this will either be something completely stupid, or something so important that it couldn't possibly wait. Either way, I don't think I'll be able to get back to sleep." He yawned hugely, cracked his neck, then took the phone.

"Tamaki?"

"BOSSANOVAKUN!!WhattookyousolongI'vebeenwaitinghereforatLEASTtenminutesdon'tyouknowwhatanurgentphonecallis?!AnywayHaruhi'sbeenkidnappedbutwefoundhersoit'sokaybutweneedsomehelpfindingtherealkidnappers!Kyoya'sinnocentbytheway!!"

Kasanoda blinked groggily. Yep, there was no way he was getting back to sleep. His train of thought jerking to reluctant start, he blurted the first thing that popped into his mind.

"Who is Bossa Nova-kun?"

"YOU ARE!!" Tamaki screamed.

Ohh, right. That odd nickname. On to the rest of the question then. "I took a while because I was asleep. Ten minutes isn't that long. Yes, I know what an urgent phone call is. Haruhi's been kidnapped?! Wait, WHAT?! Well, you found her so I shouldn't be panicking. Why do you want me to help find the kidnappers? Who said Kyoya wasn't innocent?"

Tamaki groaned, long and loud. "Never mind. We're coming over."

Click.

Kasanoda stared at the phone dully. He sighed, acknowledged the futility of resistance, then got up to get dressed.

-----------------------

"Who wants to go to Bossa Nova's house?" Tamaki inquired cheerily.

Haruhi studied Tamaki distrustfully. "Casanova? Why?"

"We've gotta catch those gangsters that kidnapped you," Tamaki explained. "And the only way we're going to get a gangster is to enlist one in our cavalry."

"I must be exhausted," Kyoya mumbled, rubbing his eyes. "Tamaki's actually beginning to sound logical."

"Is that assent I hear?" Tamaki grinned toothily. "What do the rest of you say?"

"It might be fun to bug Bossa Nova while he's half asleep," Hikaru smirked.

Hunny smiled eagerly. "If he's a monster while he's awake, perhaps he's an angel while he sleeps!"

Mori shrugged.

Haruhi groaned. "As long as I can get something to eat."

"Okay then! To Bossa-Nova's house we go!"

----------------------------

When the two cars pulled up to the Kasanoda compound, it was only a short while after three A.M. Sparrows perched on the fence chirped their sleepy welcome to the morning. Dawn was just beginning to break over the horizon, tinting the sky a fragile shade of rosy coral tinged with orange. It cast an almost welcoming shadow on the dirty buildings that made up the compound.

The cars' engines stilled, and the doors clicked open. Out popped six bedraggled hosts and one even more bedraggled Haruhi. No longer glistening with the well-groomed atmosphere of the wealthy (or in Haruhi's case, the well-groomed atmosphere of the naturally cute), they were a miserable little bunch. Any excitement over visiting Kasanoda in his natural habitat had dissipated quickly as fatigue set in during the interminable car ride.

Nonetheless, Kyoya marched up the compounds gates with considerably authority in his step. He pounded on the buzzer twice, with nothing but icy vehemence in his gaze.

A slightly terrified yanki opened the gate, then dashed off to find Kasanoda.

"Boss! Boss! Are we in trouble with a rival gang?! I thought you cleared up that business with the Sendo family?!" The yanki burst into the kitchen and screeched to a stop, completely breathless.

Kasanoda, who'd been pouring himself a mug of coffee, started, almost dropped the coffee pot, then ended up bathing his arm in the caffeinated drink.

"Ow! Hot hot hot hot! I did clear up the business with the Sendos, what are you talking about?" Kasanoda pressed a towel drenched in cool water to his (now scalded) arm.

The Host Club chose that moment to make their entrance.

"There they are!" The paranoid yanki jabbed a trembling finger at them.

Tamaki opened his mouth to speak, but Kyoya swooped in and interrupted.

"I need a shower. _Now._"

His mind still reeling from his early awakening, Kasanoda recalled a whirlwind of previous, traumatizing memories of Kyoya. He decided it was best to comply at once. Kasanoda grabbed the petrified little yanki and said, "Show master Kyoya to the bath house and make sure he has everything he wants. Don't leave until he allows it." Leaning closer, he whispered, "I promise he won't sell you into slavery."

That taken care of, Tamaki opened his mouth to speak.

"Casanova-kun, I'm hungry," Haruhi said, mournfully holding her empty stomach.

Her feminine wiles were too much for Kasanoda. Stunned at himself for allowing Haruhi to waste away before his eyes, Kasanoda leapt into action!

Completely forgetting Tamaki's existence, Kasanoda wrenched open the refrigerator door and extracted three eggs. Juggling them while grinning like a possessed alligator, Kasanoda deftly cracked them into a skillet, which he set over a merrily crackling stove. For his next trick, Kasanoda ricocheted a mug off Tamaki's head and poured steaming black coffee into it. He pirouetted and dropped two slices of bread into a grubby toaster, flipped the eggs high into the air, caught both the eggs and the toast on a chipped plate, then presented his creation to Haruhi with a flourish and an awkward bow.

"Ole!"

Apparently, besides kittens, Kasanoda also had a secret passion for cooking.

Hikaru and Kaoru snickered.

"I'm hungry too, Bossa Nova! Bossa Nova, make me some eggs benedict?" They teased mercilessly.

Before Kasanoda could blush and squirm, Mori waltzed in, Hunny in tow.

"Toppa tha morn to ya, boys!" Mori smiled refreshingly, waving.

Kasanoda stared, tried very hard not to pass out, and wondered what exactly he'd gotten himself into. Rich people were surely a strange bunch, he thought to himself. Good thing he and Haruhi were normal people, decided the child of yakuza royalty. That fact established, he took Tamaki aside, and in all seriousness, asked, "Since when has Morinozuka been Irish?"

"Can ya spare me summa them vittles, Haruhi? Me stomach's been growlin' since we dropped anchor!" he drawled, laughing heartily and taking on a Captain Barbossa accent. Switching instantly to Captain Jack, he babbled, "Now where's me jar o'dirt?" He crawled underneath the table, giggling.

Hunny yawned, sleepy tears welling up in his eyes. "Mori hasn't slept for a really long time."

"Look! Rum!" Mori grabbed a sack of flour and clutched at it, hugging it to his chest. "Heeheeheehee . . ."

Suddenly, his eyes drooped, and Mori slumped over the sack of flour.

Kasanoda screamed mentally. 

Kasanoda swayed on his feet and just managed to keep from swooning. He nudged Mori with a soup ladle.

"Relax," a voice behind Kasanoda said gravely. It sounded more like a command to disembowel himself than a request to calm down.

Kasanoda shuddered violently, and turned to face Kyoya. "What do you mean relax?!"

Paying no heed to how Kasanoda's blood pressure had spiked savagely in the past ten minutes, Kyoya continued to nonchalantly towel his hair dry. "Morinozuka is asleep. Nothing more. I do suggest you move him to a futon, however."

Resisting the furious urge to begin bashing his head on the table, Kasanoda motioned for one of the yanki to move Mori, and sat down heavily at the table. It was hard to believe he'd been awake for less than an hour. It felt as if he hadn't slept for least a week, kept conscious by being on a constant energy drink high.

Wishing telephones had never been invented, Kasanoda asked the burning question that had been gnawing away at his innards since Tamaki called. "So what exactly is it you want from me?"

At this, Tamaki's eyes gleamed. "You're a gangster, right?"

Completely taken aback, Kasanoda haltingly responded, "Yees . . ?"

"Well, we need your deliciously corrupted mind to help us catch some fellow gangsters that kidnapped Haruhi!" Tamaki said grandly, waving his arms around.

Kasanoda balked. "But I've never done anything like that before! I'm sure I'd be no help at all! I hate violence and revenge! I'm just not good at that kind of stuff!" He protested in a flustered babble, wishing fervently that a herd of rhinos . . . or something . . . would charge in and liberate him from Tamaki.

Tamaki slammed his hands on the table and stood up, passionate fire burning in his violet eyes. "But you've been trained in the arts of the yakuza, right?!"

"Arts?" Kasanoda floundered.

"ANSWER THE QUESTION!" Tamaki bellowed, jabbing a finger at Kasanoda and assuming an Uncle Sam "I want YOU!" pose.

"R-right," Kasanoda replied haltingly, unsure of what the correct answer would be.

"And you deplore the yanki who use their power for wrong, right?!" Tamaki clambered onto the table, knelt, and took Kasanoda's hand.

Now completely taken aback, Kasanoda replied, "Right?" He met Tamaki's intense gaze cautiously, the fire in Tamaki's eyes nearly blinding him.

"Well, this is your chance to use your powers for good!" Tamaki cried, gesturing Kasanoda to the path of righteousness. A magnificent beam of light shot down from the heavens, penetrated the shabbiness of the kitchen, and descended upon Tamaki. "This is your chance to become a hero among yanki! Your story will be passed down from generation to generation! You will live forever as the great Bossa-Nova! The yanki who overcame hideous adversity to be a genuine superhero! Are you with me, Bossa-Nova?!!" Tamaki pulled Kasanoda onto the table as well.

"Look into the light, Bossa-Nova," Tamaki encouraged.

Kasanoda stepped into the golden rays, and smiled happily as golden warmth spread across his visage.

"Are you with me?!" Tamaki shouted.

"Yes!" Kasanoda replied courageously. He puffed up his chest and assumed what he supposed was a heroic stance.

"Onward then!" Tamaki declared. "Onward to victory!!" With a grand flourish of his arm, he stabbed a finger in "victory's" direction.

The two of them laughed heartily, each transfixed with their delusions of grandeur.

"Oho ho ho ho . . ."

"Why do I get the feeling that those two are somehow related?" Hikaru asked dryly, watching the two of them gloat, completely lost in their own minds.

Kaoru shook his head. "Right now, they're more twinly than we are."

Kasanoda and Tamaki had taken to prancing around atop the table. Somehow, prancing suited Tamaki. However, Kasanoda looked like a demonic little leprechaun, the likes of which had not been seen since Rumplestiltskin.

Give me your firstborn child, Haruhi . . .

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Haruhi cut in, polishing off the remains of her toast.

Kasanoda and Tamaki both stopped in mid-prance. In utter shock that Haruhi would question his plan after it had been his geniusity that led to her gallant rescue, a stunned Tamaki tripped slipped on a banana peel and fell off the table, dragging Kasanoda down with him.

Taking no notice of how Kasanoda and Tamaki were now lying in a tangled heap at her feet, Haruhi continued, "It's all well and good that you rescued me and all, but don't you think that it'd be practical to get some professionals on the scene?"

Kyoya nodded. "Actually, I've already contacted my secret police. They're looking for the culprits now. I took the liberty of doing that while that category three storm you call a shower was warming up."

"Oh." Kasanoda didn't know whether to feel disappointed or relieved.

Tamaki, on the other hand, was clearly indignant. "But Kasanoda might know things that the secret police don't!"

Kyoya cocked his head. "You've got a point." He took out his ledger. "Kasanoda, this gang's hideout is my old villa, you know where that is. They also like the old garrison in Shidakun. According to Haruhi, they're searching for something that rhymes with 'Snow White' at the airport tomorrow. What can you tell me about that?"

Kasanoda took the ledger from Kyoya and studied that elegant, pointy script. He'd heard of a gang like this before, but the thing rhyming to Snow White made no sense. The gang he was thinking of only dealt in drugs. Unless . . .

"Nothing's supposed to rhyme with 'Snow White!'" Kasanoda yelped, the light bulb in his mind turning on with an almost painful flash. "In yakuzaspeak, it means cocaine! Haruhi, you were kidnapped by the infamous drug dealing gang, the Kemuri group! They're at the top of every most wanted list!!"

Kyoya adjusted his glasses. "I've heard of them. They also deal in opium and marijuana. They've been known to supply some of Japan's most elite celebrities and businesspeople with illegal drugs. Not to mention that they're accomplished as hitmen."

Kasanoda nodded, surprising even himself with his intensity. "The way I see it, we could set up a sting. They won't be too wary about meeting me. I'll say that I'm interested in joining our two yakuza families, and that way, I'll keep them busy until the police arrive!"

Hikaru cocked his head in admiration. "That's brave, Kasanoda."

"Not to mention intelligent," Kaoru added.

"We didn't know you had it in you!" They grinned impishly.

Kyoya nodded. "The joining of your family and the Kemuri would be too much of an opportunity for them to pass up. The way I calculate it, we've got an hour to prepare before we should get in our places."

Eyes blazing once more, Tamaki punched the air and cheered. "All right! Let's go!"

"But what about Takeshi??" Hunny knelt by Mori, who was still sleeping peacefully, laid out on a futon under the table.

Hikaru grabbed his legs, and Kaoru his arms. Together, they carted Mori out to the waiting cars that idled at the sidewalk, waiting to ferry them off to the airport and a fateful meeting of yakuza leaders.


	8. Doubts

Junior year is sooo baad. UGH. I'm so sorry I haven't updated in so long. T.T Kasanoda-kun gets a little more love in this chappie. Sorry if I kinda bs his character and lines tho. Coz if I remember right, he was in only a few of the manga stories, no? Anyway. ON with the story!

* * *

It was a beautiful, yet surprisingly calm night in one of the rare parts of Japan that was still somewhat rural. The moon was a brilliant opal that threw glistening shafts of light upon the dense fog that hung low upon the road. The fog reflected the moonlight in iridescent glimmers, and cast back the glare of Kasanoda's penetrating headlights.

Kasanoda squinted against the reflection and suppressed the fierce urge to pinch himself. Any attempt to wake himself from this nightmare would be in vain anyway. Why? Well, first of all, he was trapped in a car with all six gorgeous male hosts. That alone was worse than any nightmare he'd ever had. Add to that the fact that he was about to try to bamboozle one of the most dangerous yakuza families in all of Japan, and it completely surpassed anything Kasanoda would've been able to think of on his own. Second, he couldn't wake up from the nightmare because Haruhi was there. If she was there, it couldn't be a nightmare, could it? The third reason Kasanoda refrained from pinching himself, and perhaps the most valid . . . was that Kasanoda didn't dare relax his white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel. 

Kasanoda chanced a glance backwards at the sleeping hosts. Their beautiful faces relaxed in peaceful slumber, they looked perfect enough to be a family of angels. _Or a coven of vampires, _Kasanoda mused ominously.

_They _had _to catch the kidnappers themselves. They _had_to do it according to some harebrained scheme. They _had _to make him their driver because it would be too conspicuous to use one of their own. DIDN'T THEY CARE THAT THEY HAD JUST DISTURBED HIS SLEEP?!_

Kasaonda's enthusiasm for the plan had been fleeting, to say the least. The moment he agreed to it, his stomach sank to the very bottom of his toes. When he actually began playing it out in his mind, nausea set in. When he put it into action, it felt akin to throwing himself off of Mount Fuji with a parachute made of steel.

Of course, his father and grandfather had been thrilled. Seeing no other way of going about it the plan, Kasanoda had informed his father of the bare basics, only enough to ensure that he could play his part. Still, his father's face had erupted into a blinding smile, the likes of which Kasanoda had no idea he had been capable of. Literally beaming, Kasanoda Sr. and Kasanoda Sr. Sr. had gleefully flitted to the telephone to propose their scheme to the Kemuri boss. Kasanoda's stomach churned when he remembered his father and grandfather joyously announcing that their two yakuza families were to be joined by matrimony. Specifically, Kasanoda's marriage to the other boss's granddaughter. A shiver thrilled its way down Kasanoda's spine and he jerked violently, nearly steering the car into a paddock of sheep.

Deciding to concentrate on the road instead of his own misfortune (in the hopes that the road wouldn't become a part of said misfortune) Kasanoda contented himself with continuing to squint into the blinding mist. 

Bored, he began to narrate the sights of the road to himself.

_Cow . . . Horse . . . Cow . . . Horse . . . Sheep . . . Sheep . . . Sheep . . . 'Nother sheep . . ._

Kasanoda yawned hugely. His grip on the steering wheel relaxed some and the tense, grim look in his eyes gradually lifted. 

_More sheep . . . oh, look, one just jumped over the fence. Sheep . . . Zzz sheep . . . Sheepzzz . . . goat. Eh? Goat? _

"WHOA BARN?!"

Kasanoda floored the brakes and the car screeched to a stop just before a mountainous red barn. Jolted and just millimeters away from hysteria, Kasanoda didn't even have time to breath a sigh of relief before an unearthly growl erupted from the backseat.

He questioned his sanity when he turned around to see what had growled at him.

Hunny?

Being so small, Hunny had been jerked rather violently in the screeching stop and . . . awoken. 

Kasanoda gulped. He, like anyone at Ouran, had heard the legend of the Dark Hunny that appeared when a hapless soul awoke the diminutive one from his slumber. He had no doubt now that he was witnessing the legend firsthand. All that was left was now to pray for his survival.

Haruhi, Tamaki, and the twins had also been awakened by the jolt. However, even in their groggy states of mind, they froze, unsure of how to react to the suddenly vicious Hunny. Kyoya and Mori remained stubbornly asleep and blissfully unaware.

"What the _hell _happened?" Hunny growled.

"_UH?!" _Kasanoda tried not to choke. 

Ignoring the beastly, confused leer on Kasanoda's face, Hunny repeated, "What _happened?_" 

Taken aback, Kasanoda stuttered, "The car . . . I . . . the barn . . . There were sheep!"

Unsatisfied with Kasanoda's stammering answer, Hunny yowled and launched himself at Kasanoda like a lethal kitten. Landing on Kasanoda's shoulders, Hunny latched on with his legs and began viciously biting Kasaonda's ears.

Terrified, Kasanoda bolted out of the car and began running in little circles. Finally, with a banshee shriek, he tore Hunny from his shoulders and tossed him into a pile of hay. 

Growling, Hunny bared his teeth at Kasanoda and crouched, ready to pounce again.

Adrenaline surging through his veins, Kasanoda steadied himself and called to mind all his past experiences with yakuza martial arts._Tiger paw move slams the opponent's nose, breaking it or perhaps shoving it into opponent's brain . . . _

Hunny lunged at Kasanoda, but before Kasanoda could render his opponent defenseless by shoving his nose into his brain, Haruhi caught Hunny in midair and offered him a little tidbit of food.

"Here Hunny, isn't this better than attacking Casanova?" Haruhi crooned, petting the little boy and handing him another packet of sugar, the little kind that diners give away for free. "It's not real candy, but it's definitely more tasty than Casanova."

Sulkily, Hunny ripped the packet open and downed it in one gulp.

Tamaki peeked out from the car. "Is it safe?" He called out.

Hikaru popped up. "Is Hunny . . ."

"Back to normal?" Kaoru finished.

"Yes. He is now, no thanks to you," Kasanoda replied as scathingly as he dared to.

Mori and Kyoya then emerged. Kyoya calmly dusted himself off and straightened his clothes. Mori rubbed his eyes and yawned hugely.

Finishing his yawn, Mori's eyes sought Hunny, his little charge. When they found him, the gears in Mori's mind worked double time to process what he was seeing. "Hunny has grown a beard?" He asked confusedly but stoically, back to his normal self. Well, almost. The abrupt awakening had left Mori somewhat bewildered and he failed to comprehend that Hunny plus haystack equals Hunny covered in hay, not Hunny covered in facial hair.

Unsure if Mori was being serious, Haruhi answered, "No, Hunny's just covered in hay -"

"Hey! That gives me an idea!" Tamaki darted over to the haystack and placed some under his nose. "False mustache!"

Disparagingly, Kyoya threw a clod of dirt at him. "Don't be stupid. Get back in the car."

Kasanoda made a move towards the driver's seat, but found himself blocked by Mori's massive frame. "I'll drive."

* * *

As Mori sat at the wheel, skillfully avoiding barns and sheep, Kasanoda drowsed in the backseat of the car, not allowing himself to fall fully asleep in front of the obscenely wealthy hosts. Even if they were asleep, he simply didn't feel comfortable exercising anything less than constant vigilance with them. Keeping one eye on their snoring forms, he allowed his mind to wander a bit.

He wondered vaguely what he'd gotten himself into. Even more vaguely, he wondered why he was suddenly feeling so much calmer. Perhaps the adrenaline rush had finally awakened the bravery that had slept dormant inside him for all this time. 

Or maybe he'd just gone insane.

He contemplated those options while staring out a window, admiring the streets whizzing past. He'd really like to live in a sweet little house like that, in the suburbs, instead of in the depths of overly crowded Tokyo. Of course, it was going to cost a fortune, but . . . 

He'd really like some lacy detailing on the facade and a white picket fence surrounding the front yard, which would be filled with fragrant flowers. The house itself would be painted palest blue, with navy accents. With a cerulean door. Or perhaps seafoam green. 

Then, Mori turned and entered the freeway, leaving the suburbial bliss behind. Kasanoda sighed wistfully and glanced at his watch.

It was just before six AM. Haruhi had told them she was guessing that the gangsters were on their way to Tibet. Kyoya had called the airport and told them in no uncertain terms to delay every plane that was either going to or had a connecting flight to the frigid country on pain of banishment to the city of Ouagadougou in the country of Burkina Faso, wherever that may be.

Kasanoda chewed the inside of his lip nervously. He had formulated a plan that he thought was brilliant in its simplicity, but there was always the factor of the yakuza's unpredictable nature. He still had to brief it to the others, but he was sure they would approve. It was so simple, a brain-damaged goldfish would be able to comprehend it. Kasanoda reveled in the satisfaction of a job well done.

Finally, after an all too brief interlude of peace, Mori pulled into a parking lot, made a wide arc, and backed into a parking spot.

* * *

_Spy mode! _Hunny thought mischievously. He took a deep breath, became zen for a minute or two, then slipped into character. 

Hunny sniffled, clutching his Bun-Bun. He twisted this way and that, searching in vain for the others. Then, he caught a glimpse of Mori's long leg, and the swish of his jacket. Hunny scampered after Mori, calling out all the while, but to no avail. He was soon lost in the distance. 

Blinking back more tears, Hunny was lost and alone again. Even standing on his toes, there was no way Hunny could see above the massive sea of people in the airport, all yammering about their delayed flights to Tibet. Then, Hunny noticed the door to his left. A sickly sweet smell wafted out of it, one Hunny easily recognized. Cake! 

Maybe . . . Just maybe, Mori had gone in here? Hunny slipped inside.

But . . . The inside of the cake-smelling room was just another heartrending disappointment. No cake awaited him in the austere white room, and no Mori, either. Unable to contain himself anymore, Hunny began bawling.

Hunny took a deep breath, then let out a wail that would shame the bloodcurdling rebel yell of the Confederate soldiers. "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

With a monumental clatter, the thunderstruck chefs dropped their pots and pans, whipping wildly this way and that, searching for the cause of the unbearable keening. One of them literally stumbled upon the source, tripping over hapless Hunny.

Hunny sniffled and hiccuped, looking up at them with doe's eyes.

Naturally, the chef's hearts melted in an instant, and no one noticed when Hikaru and Kaoru edged in, nabbing a spatula, some tongs, a wok, and a tea kettle.

Before dashing away, Kaoru winked at Hunny, signaling that the twins were done. 

Instantly, Hunny brightened. "Thank you very much!" he chirped at the bewildered chefs. "I know where I lost my mommy now!" He then proceeded to flounce out the door to an exasperated-looking Haruhi.

She took Hunny's hand, muttered "Thank you," to the chefs mechanically, then walked away. 

Exchanging glances, the chefs went back to work none the wiser. 

"Hey, where's my wok?"

* * *

Kasanoda, who had a hard time controlling his temper in any situation, found it excruciatingly more challenging while trapped in the confines of a storage room. Unfortunately, it was in this cramped and dusty space where they had set up their base of operations, a crime-fighting organization amid brooms and boxes.

Gritting his teeth and trying very hard not to seethe, Kasanoda inhaled sharply and braced himself to try and explain, once more, to the twins their part of the plan.

"So, here, I want you to go left," he muttered through gritted teeth, pointing at a spot on the airport's map.

"Right," the twins agreed amiably.

"No, left," Kasanoda grumbled.

"Right!" the twins nodded vigorously.

"No, LEFT," Kasanoda snapped.

"Yes, we go left, right?" the twins grinned.

"NO. Not right. Just LEFT."

"Left!" the twins chorused.

"Right!" Kasanoda exhaled in relief.

"Eeh?" the twins cocked their heads in mock confusion. "We go right?" 

"Left! LEFT! YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU?!" Kasanoda roared, doubling in size and towering over the twins, engulfed in a flaming-red-hot-chili-pepper aura.

Cackling madly, wheezing with barely contained giggles, the twins slapped high fives. 

"It's left, Bossa-Nova! We know!" Kaoru gasped, clutching a stitch in his side.

Kasanoda wanted to cry. He turned wearily to Kyoya. "How are you and Mori doing?"

Kyoya was standing beside Mori, who was busily blowtorching a luggage tram. Kyoya had deemed it easy to modify, and had quickly done all the calculations. Elementary physics, he'd said smugly. Using Hunny as a distraction, the twins had snitched everything Kyoya needed from the airport kitchens. A copper pot here, a soup ladle there . . . and the tram would be able to run at forty miles per hour in no time flat. 

Kyoya checked his clipboard with an air of unconcerned authority. "We're fine."

Kasanoda smiled feebly. That, at least, was one thing he could count on.

Tamaki, on the other hand, was something to worry about. Lord Idiot was adamant about "his" Haruhi being in any danger, and the plan _centered_ on using both Kasanoda and Haruhi as bait. Thinking quickly, Kasanoda assigned lookout duty to Tamaki. If he had to be more hindering than helpful, at least his paranoia would serve them well.

At last, everyone knew their assigned tasks. Tamaki, peering out from behind the door of the storage room, scanned the terminal for the yanki. 

The Ohtori Secret Service (affectionately called the OSS) had arrived shortly after they did, lugging along with them various laptops and spygear Kasanoda hadn't even known existed until an hour ago. The coolly efficient agents swiftly hacked into the airport mainframe and in no time flat, had the airport security cameras transmitting feed into all their laptops.

Once the OSS had a visual on the Kemuri Group representatives, Kasanoda would go out to meet them, dragging Haruhi. He would pretend to negotiate a merger, offering Haruhi as a bargaining chip. Of course, neither of them would be in real danger, what with the OSS and the newly modified tram. If only Tamaki's thick skull and unnatural bone density would _see _that . . . But no matter, Kasanoda though, calming himself. The plan was under way, and nothing could go wrong. 

Anyway, Kasanoda would be wearing a microphone in his ear, disguised as a bluetooth headset. Once the Kemuris had said enough to incriminate themselves, the OSS would sweep in and capture them.

Meanwhile, perched on a stack of boxes, Haruhi was watching over the proceedings with a slightly incredulous air. The Host Club could never do things the way normal people did, could they? Even when it concerned criminals and possibly life-threatening situations, they couldn't just leave it to the police. However, what flabbergasted her most was that they were doing this all because of her. They hadn't known an thing about the Kemuri group before her kidnapping, and they hadn't cared. But now . . . Even Kyoya had called in his secret service. _That _was momentous.

It almost made them seem noble, which was a frightening thought. They were a strange breed, Haruhi mused, caught between old world chivalry and their spoiled upbringings. 

Haruhi drew her legs up to her chest and sighed. Everything had started out so normally on that fateful day. Yet, it felt like every time Haruhi hoped for a normal day, her hopes were dashed on the rocks of frivolousness, caprice, and whim. Like that episode with the Zuka Club . . . The time Kirimi showed up . . . The gangsta costume fitting . . . Yes, the instances were too many for her to count. Looking back, however, perhaps she should have known that last night would have been different.

_The doorbell rang, and Haruhi left her small pile of homework to go answer it. Her sandals slapped against the hardwood floor as she peered through the peephole. All she could see was a tuft of blond hair. Knowing it to be none other than Hunny , she opened the door. _

_"Haruhi!" Hunny sprang up to hug her._

_Haruhi responded automatically and hugged him back. "Where's everyone else?" she asked suspiciously. It was unusual for Hunny to come alone._

_Hunny smiled brightly at her, like a little lemon gumdrop. "They're coming. Cept Tama's not with us, coz the twins thought it'd be fun to ditch him and tell him about it later." He giggled mischievously._

_Something like pity for Tamaki pinged through Haruhi fleetingly, but she ignored it. She was much more consumed with wondering when she was going to get her homework done and with what exactly the guys had planned than with how Tamaki would probably drive himself insane fantasizing about what he'd missed. It wasn't her fault that he was a dunderhead, after all._

_Mori and Kyoya now came up the stair with board games under their arms. Mori toted Scrabble, Monopoly, Pictionary, and a few ridiculous ones, like Mousetrap and Candyland. Kyoya carried chess, checkers, and Clue._

_The twins appeared on the stairwell next, two cattishly grinning faces. "Welcome to commoner's board game night!" They cried in unison, throwing confetti._

_"Tamaki's been rambling on and on about this one." Hikaru smirked._

_"Something about how it's family bonding around the world," Kaoru chuckled._

_Haruhi gave them a pained smile. Sure, her father had tried to play board games with her when she was younger, but she was just as bad at board games as she was at cards. No doubt Kyoya had only come along to witness her humiliation. Perhaps he even planned to coerce her into gambling, then laugh mercilessly as he defeated her and condemned her to endless years of servitude._

_Anyway, board game night had transpired, and at about ten, everyone had finally tired of the proletarian entertainment and decided to go home. Then came the strange part. As Haruhi was seeing them off, Hunny turned back to her, his face serious._

_"Haruhi, Ranka-sama isn't home this weekend, is he?"_

_Taken aback, Haruhi answered truthfully, "No, he's on a business trip. And after he finishes the trip, he'll be visiting Misuzu."_

_Hunny's eyes gleamed, and his smile was oddly un-cute, as he muttered, "That's perfect."_

_Then, before Haruhi could even fully register the evil flash in Hunny's eyes, he reverted back to his cute form and fired off another question: "Do you have a plan in case you get kidnapped while he is on vacation?"_

_"No. Why would I?"_

_"No reason. But it's good to be safe, isn't it?" Hunny chirruped. Before Haruhi had a chance to reply, Hunny had gone._

_Haruhi didn't think any more of it until late that night, when she heard the muffled sounds coming in through her window. _

And that had been that. Haruhi massaged her temples. If she hadn't been the victim of the kidnappings, but had heard about them from someone else, she wouldn't have believed it.

_Oh well, _she thought. _C'est la vie at Ouran._

She glanced up as Kyoya sat down next to her. "Haruhi, would you mind if I installed a brand new alarm system in your house?"

"I won't pay for it," Haruhi warned him warily.

Something like amusement flitted across Kyoya's features. "No, no. This is free of charge. Honestly, I'm rather ashamed of myself for only realizing now that you, a commoner with no private security and close ties with the elite of Japan, would become a target for our enemies."

Haruhi eyed him incredulously.

Then, Kyoya smiled at her, a rare, genuine smile. "Not to mention that it's a much greater hassle rescuing you."

Haruhi, not knowing how to respond, was almost glad when Tamaki cried: "Gird your loins, men! The Kemuris are here!"


	9. The Chase

Since it's been so long since our last update, I think a little refresher for some people might be useful. So, the story thus far goes a little something like this. Haruhi was kidnapped (for real this time), and it was the guys' mission to save her. After several escapades, they stumbled upon her in a dirty old house, and for all of two seconds, it really looked like Kyoya had been the one who sent the goons to her house to kidnap her. However, the culprit was actually Hunny, who did the deed after "Commoner's Board Game Night," in hopes of creating a fun adventure scenario for everyone. Yet that didn't explain how Haruhi got from the old garrison, where Hunny's men had dropped her off, to the decrepit old house. Turns out that the old garrison was the hideout of a _real_ gang, who (not knowing what else to do with her) brought Haruhi back to their base of operations, which was the old house. Upon realizing that, the Ouran crew enlisted the help of Kasanoda, who came up with the plan that they are currently attempting to execute. Basically, Kasanoda and Haruhi are supposed to go out and meet the representatives from the Kemuri Group, then bait them into incriminating themselves. Everything they say will be recorded via a Bluetooth headset on Kasanoda. Once enough evidence has been gathered, the police will swoop in. Simple, right?

* * *

_"Gird your loins, men?"_ Kyoya's warm smile disappeared, and his gaze flicked from Haruhi to Tamaki. He arched his eyebrows in mild exasperation. Did Tamaki ever listen to himself talk? He sighed, habitually nudging his glasses back up the bridge of his nose.

Meanwhile, Haruhi had left Kyoya's side, slid down from her stack of boxes, skirted the jumble of cables and electrical surveillance equipment, and made her way to Kasanoda.

Kyoya's eyes followed her path, and he felt a strange tug in the left region of his chest. He paused for a moment in surprise. The left region . . . Wasn't that where his heart was?

Perturbed, Kyoya shifted his gaze back to Haruhi and Kasanoda. Tamaki had joined them now, and Kyoya noticed that Haruhi wore the same expression he often did when dealing with Tamaki. Kyoya chuckled inwardly at that. It was always the little things she did that always took him by surprise, though years of suppressing his emotions kept him stoic as always.

Kyoya could easily see why Tamaki fawned over her as he did. In fact, oddly enough, he himself often felt a strange twinge when Haruhi gazed at him with her penetrating, doelike eyes. It was unsettling. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to clear his mind. Haruhi intrigued him. Yes, that was all.

Kyoya opened his eyes again and retrieved the Bluetooth earpiece from his pocket, hooking it around his ear. It matched the one Kasanoda was now wearing as he slid the handcuffs around Haruhi's slim wrists. Kyoya watched as the cuffs closed with a metallic _chink_, and calmly met Kasanoda's grim gaze as he turned to face him.

"Ready?" Kyoya asked him, working to maintain his customary air of disinterest.

Kasanoda seemed too petrified to reply.

Addressing the troops this time, one hand on his headset, Kyoya repeated: "Ready?"

From a floor above them, Hikaru and Kaoru grinned impishly and gave him an enthusiastic wave.

They were stationed on the two ends of the balcony that overlooked the gate where the plan was to take place. They were also extraordinarily well disguised in nondescript navy suits, having traded clothes with two of Kyoya's secret service men. Each twin was equipped with glasses that could zoom to about the same degree as a standard pair of binoculars, as well as take pictures with the touch of a button. Each had a Mont Blanc pen that contained a two minuscule bullets filled with a potent explosive, as well as an exploding backpack. Hikaru's, bag, when activated, would detonate a bomb that would fog the room with a smokescreen. Kaoru's would release a net.

Next, the Ohtori Secret Service, huddled around a set of glowing laptops, gave him a thumbs-up. The air around them was static with tension; if Kyoya hadn't known any better, he'd have said they were excited. He turned back to Kasanoda, eyeing him with slight apprehension. Even after going over the plans with him again and again, Kyoya still doubted the durability of Kasanoda's strained psyche. Kyoya arched an eyebrow in his direction.

Kasanoda gulped, trying to dislodge the thick, heavy lump of terror he felt lodged in his throat. Unable to speak, he nodded.

Kyoya stifled a sigh. He trusted Kasanoda's plan, his yakuza-bred instincts. But all the same, if Kasanoda didn't start showing some symptoms of having a spine, Kyoya might actually have to start . . . worrying. He glanced at one of the monitors clustered behind him. Three hardened-looking men were approaching, their gait like wiry street dogs, trying to be discreet but furtively glancing at every shadow that so much as twitched.

Kyoya shifted his gaze to meet Haruhi's eyes. She nodded resolutely, not even a milligram of fear apparent on her features. Kasanoda took her by the shoulders, gently guiding her out of the closet door.

Haruhi was just getting her game face on when she found herself stuck, unable to lift her feet without a Herculean effort, as though she was mired down in quicksand. However, she knew she wasn't trapped in quicksand, or suddenly a victim of random paralysis. Actually, quicksand would probably have been less sticky, and random paralysis would've given her a valid excuse to not be part of the proceedings.

No such luck. Haruhi looked down to see Tamaki clutching her legs for dear life, clinging to them miserably like a monkey to a coconut tree during a tsunami.

"Haruhi!" He sobbed, his violet eyes glistening. "Don't be a hero!" he pleaded, every nuance of his voice imploring her, his very being saturated with sincerity.

Rolling her eyes, Haruhi pried one leg free.

She tried unsuccessfully to liberate her second leg. Vainly, she dragged Tamaki a few paces, with him scooting around the floor on his butt, whining and keening like a kicked puppy. Finally, Haruhi gave in, stopping with a sigh.

Tamaki whimpered quietly, but his grasp loosened ever so slightly. "I'm sorry, Haruhi," he murmured almost inaudibly. He raised his eyes to meet hers. "It's just that . . . I don't want to lose you again."

As Haruhi gazed down at Tamaki, she tried to name the emotion that was clouding her mind, but a specific word eluded her. It was often like this with Tamaki, like mere language failed to describe him. She reached down to softly pat his tousled blond hair, smoothing it where it was ruffled. "You won't," she promised, equally quietly.

With this, Tamaki stood up and let go of Haruhi's leg, though he retained her cuffed hands in his grip. On impulse, emboldened by the adrenaline of the moment, or perhaps merely taking advantage of the fact that he was safely out of Hikaru's range of vision, Tamaki raised Haruhi's hands to his lips, and kissed them softly before letting them drop slowly back down.

Suddenly aware of the blood rushing to her cheeks, Haruhi whipped around quickly, almost violently nailing Kasanoda in the face with her cuffed hands. Strangely energized despite being so flustered, Haruhi squared her shoulders and began towards the yanki, determined to go through with the plan before she lost her resolve. Kasanoda followed suit, rushing slightly to catch up to his "prisoner."

The three yanki were all wearing reflective black sunglasses and dressed in identical black, tailored suits with white dress shirts, though no ties. The one in the middle was obviously the leader, his graying hair and lined face a testament to his seniority. He seemed more at ease than the two burly guards who flanked him, standing with his arms folded and the top two buttons on his white shirt left roguishly undone, exposing the head and snarling jaws of a serpentine black dragon tattooed on the side of his neck.

Standing before the three seasoned yanki, Kasanoda realized with sudden, overwhelming clarity just how lanky his frame was in comparison, how shabby his clothes were, how greasy his hair was, how childish he must seem. He just hoped they didn't start calling him young whippersnapper.

Haruhi, on the other hand, didn't register any of those details about the yanki. Later on, she wouldn't have been able to tell the police whether the suits were black or navy, or if the tattoo had been of a dragon, or an eel, or a sea cucumber. She focused on keeping her breathing even, her eyes downcast, and her face expressionless, hoping that her demeanor wouldn't betray Kasanoda and praying that her acting skills had improved to better than those of a daikon radish.

The man with the dragon tattoo smiled wickedly at Kasanoda, baring his teeth. Kasanoda kept his mouth set in a steely line, choosing instead to glower and nod curtly at all three of them, doing nothing more than acknowledging their presence.

As planned, the man with the dragon tattoo introduced himself first, in a voice that rumbled like thunder. "As you've probably guessed, I'm the leader of the Kemuri group. You may address me as Pinky."

Haruhi clamped her lips together to keep from laughing, but it was too late. Before she could regain her composure, a half-strangled giggle escaped her mouth.

Pinky's eyes flashed menacingly. "Is my name _amusing_ to you?" he murmured, lacing his voice with venom.

Out of the corner of her eye, Haruhi was vaguely aware that the twins, too, were suffused with giggles. Clenching her fists and fighting to keep her face straight, she replied: "Relatively speaking, I've heard much crazier things. But aren't most yakuza named something like Scorpion or Cobra?"

"Insolent brat!" Pinky spat, flushing a vivid scarlet. "_Pinky_ is my family name. As it happens, my given name is _Python_. But that is for the Younger Kasanoda to know. Your degenerate's tongue is not fit to pronounce my regal moniker." With that, Python Pinky rounded on Kasanoda. "And just who does your father think he is, sending a young whippersnapper like you to meet me?"

_Darn it! _Kasanoda winced internally. Rather than betray his trembling nerves, Kasanoda fixed Python with a glare he normally reserved for intimidating pit bulls.

"I am _not_ a whippersnapper, young or otherwise." Kasanoda's eyes flashed. "Besides, I have what you want, and you don't," he added, mimicking the yakuza boss's venomous hiss perfectly.

Taken aback, Python gave a barking laugh. "Fair enough. But how did you net her after she managed to slip through our fingers?"

Kasanoda's smile disappeared. "That's for me to know, and you to wonder. Why her, anyway? She's just a commoner. She means nothing to any of the yakuza families."

The hard lines of Python's mouth tensed. "She may mean nothing to us, but we may very well mean something to her."

His frown deepening, Kasanoda asked, "What do you mean by that?"

Python paused. "Well, we discovered her in our favorite 'exchange site' sometime yesterday. Nobody knew why she was dumped there, so we assumed that it was a trap gone wrong, set by another gang. Thus, we grabbed her to try to hold her hostage. You know, for bargaining leverage to use in the future. It was only after these two dunderheads -" he shot a disgusted look at his two bodyguards, "had taken her back to our hideout when we realized she wasn't with the any gang. So, now she knows where both our drug cache and main hideout are. As you see," he told Kasanoda coldly, "we cannot possibly set her loose. The only way to ensure that she won't sing is to have her deported or killed."

At the word "killed," Tamaki spasmed, utter panic making common sense not quite so common. He threw himself at the door, Mori threw himself at Tamaki, and Hunny pounced both of them just for fun.

"_Control yourselves!"_ Kyoya hissed.

"Seriously, Tama-chan!" Hunny admonished. "It's just getting good! Just look at how cool Bossa Nova looks!"

With what seemed like a herculean effort, Tamaki restrained himself and huddled as close to the door as Kyoya would allow, nervously alternating between watching the action and drawing hieroglyphs in the dust with his finger.

Just then, Kyoya's phone began to ring. Swiftly, his hand darted into his pocket and brought it to his ear.

"What?" he snapped impatiently.

"Sorry sir," the voice on the other line replied with a frantic urgency. "There was an accident with one of our vans; a head-on collision! I would've called earlier, but our cell phones and the rest of our equipment were lost in the wreckage - we just managed to commandeer some bikes, and we're on our way!"

It was as if Kyoya's insides had crystallized, then shattered into a million little bite-sized pieces. Like rock candy, made out of kryptonite. "Who is this?" he demanded.

"It's Hotta, sir. Again I apologize for the delay, but we're going as fast as we can, I swear!"

"But all fifteen of the men I requested were accounted for!" Kyoya replied in a harsh whisper.

"The new recruits, sir! This was to be their first mission, and they were traveling with me! They were fresh from the training facility, so it stands to reason that no one would recognize them yet. Someone must have set up the accident and replaced them with Kemuri men! Stay put, and don't do anything until we arrive!"

With that, Hotta hung up amid the sounds of furious pedaling. Woodenly, Kyoya closed his phone and buried his face in his hands, massaging his eyelids.

_Oh, shit._

Meanwhile, completely unaware of the effect that the word "killed" had just had on Kasanoda, Python continued. "So it seems that with this bargain, we both win. You get the alliance you desire, and our secrets will stay secrets. Do you accept, whippersnapper?"

It would have been so easy for Kasanoda to nod and signal the Ohtori Secret Service _now _and nab Python and his bodyguards on counts of kidnapping, drug possession, and drug dealing. But that would leave the rest of his gang in the clear and free to exact their revenge on not only him and Haruhi, but the rest of Kasanoda's men. So, fighting down his very strong survival instinct and gulping down the effects of his equally strong gag reflex, Kasanoda stood his ground.

"Hang on. Before I agree to anything, I need to be completely certain that we understand each other. After I give you this girl -" he did his best to appear to shove Haruhi roughly while still exerting the least possible force on her " - and myself to your daughter in marriage, I will have the full services of all the men you have to offer?"

Python appeared to roll his eyes, but it was difficult to see his expression beneath the large sunglasses that seemed permanently fused to his face. "_Yes_, all my men. You will find a complete roster for your perusal in my office. Now, do we have a bargain?"

* * *

Kyoya's mind was racing, churning, trying to figure out a way to notify the others without initiating full on panic.

_WTHOMFGBBQ. Duh. Text message! _

He whipped out his phone again, and his fingers flew across the keypad. Just as he was about to hit send, something cold jutted into the back of his neck. He froze, sickeningly sure of what was happening.

* * *

_Finally! _Kasanoda struggled to control his breathing as he made the move to signal the Ohtori, his blood vessels so full of adrenaline he felt almost ready to burst. He had barely raised his hand to touch the Bluetooth headset when a rough cloth was clamped over his face, a sickly sweet smell filling his nostrils. He panicked and struggled for a mere moment before slumping to the floor, out cold.

Python chuckled hoarsely. "And that's how the Kemuri deal."

Immediately a swarm of men descended upon them, hog tying Kasanoda before tossing him unceremoniously onto their shoulders and setting off at the running equivalent of a synchronized march. Terror coursing through her, Haruhi made a move to bolt, but another yanki tackled her, snatched her up, and tossed her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Her slight frame was no match for him. Yanki swarming all around her, she glanced around frantically for Hikaru and Kaoru.

However, the twins were nowhere to be found.

* * *

"Don't move, or I'll shoot," a voice said coldly.

Panic throbbed at the edge of Kyoya's consciousness, like the insistent tattoo of African war drums. But they didn't call him the Dark Lord of the Host Club for nothing. He called the gangster's bluff.

"You wouldn't _dare_ shoot the youngest, _handsomest_, and most brilliant Ohtori son." He replied smoothly, as he turned to face his adversary. His eyes flashed over the other five imposters who had, by some strange hiccup of fate, managed to take out ten of the Ohtori's best and were now pointing guns at Tamaki, Mori, and Hunny as they sat hunched in a corner. "Impressive. If you don't mind me asking, how did you do that?"

"The Vulcan nerve pinch," spat the one closest to him, still training the gun at Kyoya's neck, though Kyoya noticed that his hand had begun to quiver.

It most certainly was an impressive job. Impressive in the sense that these five amateurs hadn't been killed yet by Mori or Hunny. Now that they'd lost the element of surprise, they would be no match for either of them. Kyoya noted, with gratitude, that the only reason Hunny hadn't ripped them to shreds yet was because Kyoya's gunman was at point blank range - by the time Hunny and Mori had disposed of the first four, Kyoya would be dead.

"I could pay you three times whatever that thug's paying," Kyoya whispered temptingly. "You would have a room in the mansion. All five of you would." He removed his glasses, as if to polish them, but as he did, one of the arms of his wire frames snapped. "Shoot," he muttered.

He glanced up. Then in one fluid movement, his arm shot out and upward, cobralike, lancing the jagged tip of the arm into his captor's neck. The man staggered, shock filling his eyes before they glazed over and he collapsed, splayed like a fallen scarecrow.

Seizing the moment, Hunny launched himself like a rocket, his fluffy blond head connecting with a gangster's chin at about 45 miles per hour.

Mori in turn lashed out with a swift kick to the backs of his opponent's knees, taking him down with a resounding crash. Before the man knew what was happening, Mori's elbow was in his stomach, squishing the breath from his lungs.

After slipping on a spare pair of glasses from his jacket, Kyoya wrested the gun from the goon's unconscious body, cast him one more disdainful look, and darted out the door in pursuit of Python's tram. Hunny and Mori, having made quick work of the remaining two, sprinted after him.

Out of nowhere, a thick black smoke erupted from midair, blinding them with its acrid, ashy stench.

"Shit!" Kyoya swore, realizing what the source of the smoke must be. "Hikaru and Kaoru! Hunny, Mori – You two head up to the second floor and help them. I'll –" He paused as he turned to Tamaki as though realizing for the first time that he was still there "We'll," he corrected himself, "take the tram and go after Haruhi and Kasanoda. If we can't catch them, we'll rendezvous back here in an hour."

Hunny and Mori nodded in agreement and sprinted off, shielding their eyes and nostrils as best they could.

With as much speed as he dared, Kyoya fumbled for the modified tram, Tamaki in tow, being infuriatingly clumsy and slow. "Would you hurry up?" Kyoya hissed through gritted teeth.

"Kyoya . . ." Tamaki began tentatively. "Did you really kill that guard?"

Kyoya blinked in surprise and replied, struggling not to choke: "What? Of course not. Elephant tranquilizer. All the Ohtoris carry it. I hide mine in small vials. Concealed along . . ." he gave a hacking cough, struggling to finish his sentence. "Concealed along the sides of my glasses."

"Oh." Tamaki processed this for a moment, then gripped Kyoya's arm with renewed vigor. "All right then, since the darkness has not completely consumed your soul and you have not yet devolved into a villain, we must act with the utmost swiftness." He tugged Kyoya firmly to the side. "The tram is this way!"

Kyoya shook his head in wonderment. _What a strange prince_, he mused. So worried about a life he'd never come into contact with before today, and furthermore one that might have killed him without a second thought.

But there was scarcely time for musing, as Tamaki clambered into the driver's seat on the tram and pulled Kyoya up beside him. Turning the key in the ignition, the engine roared to life before settling into a confident purr as Tamaki floored it.

In a little under ten seconds the tram burst free from the cloud of heavy smoke, and relatively fresh air flooded into Kyoya's lungs, clearing his head as well. Getting his bearings, he tugged on Tamaki's sleeve. "Slow down," he cautioned, as Tamaki gently shook him off. "We don't even know what direction they went."

"It's this way, I'm sure of it," Tamaki replied, a flinty determination in his eyes. "While you were busy staring at Casanova acting cool, I was drawing out and memorizing the floor plan of the airport. This is no doubt the most logical route for them to take."

Kyoya was about to open his mouth to challenge Tamaki when he caught a glimpse of a tailored black suit disappearing around a corner. But did it match what Python and his men had been wearing? he took inventory in his mind_: Imitation Armani, cheap cotton interwoven with regular sheep's wool, maybe a thread or two of alpaca or cashmere for a taste of luxury. Thin, white dress shirt. Black leather shoes, made from rough cowhide, scuffed, with standard, mediocre rubber heels. Match._

"There!" Kyoya yelled, pointing down the corridor where he'd seen the man make his escape.

Jerking the steering wheel to the left and jamming his foot down on the brakes, Tamaki executed a perfect drift and shot after their quarry.

"_Where,_" Kyoya gasped, "Did you learn how to do _that?"_

Tamaki shrugged sheepishly. "The twins introduced me to video games. I have an unnatural talent for racing simulations, which made me think that maybe if taking over the Suoh empire doesn't work out for me, I could move to America and become the next Jeff Danica Fitz-Patrick. Gordon."

"Who?"

"Never mind." Tamaki narrowed his gaze and urged the tram forward, delicately toying with the gas pedal, decelerating when he needed to, accelerating when he dared.

They were gaining ground slowly, not nearly quick enough for either of them. The yanki had shrewdly chosen a crowded hallway, taking advantage of their smaller size and agility to weave through the crowds of people that Tamaki could never just plow through – on good conscience anyway.

"This isn't working," Tamaki muttered through gritted teeth. "I NEED YOU TO MOVE, PLEASE!" he bellowed at crowds of tourists, frozen in place like petrified deer. "I keep losing sight of them," he growled in frustration.

"Just follow the path of people falling over in their wake," Kyoya quipped grimly. "Wait, what're they doing now? We're on the third floor! Oh, you've _got _to be kidding me."

To the horror of many unsuspecting commoners, a great blast from below had reduced a large, floor-to-ceiling window, several meters down the hall from where Tamaki and Kyoya were, to smithereens. A loud burst of air came from below, and something bulbous and yellow erupted forth. Someone had pilfered an inflatable landing slide, like the ones installed in airplane doors in case of an emergency water landing, and detonated it right underneath the window.

The yanki put on a burst of speed and leapt through the hole like a herd of wildebeests plunging into a river. One could only assume that they had a cavalcade of cars waiting for them at the bottom, ready to whisk them away to God only knew where.

Tamaki let loose an uncharacteristically vicious stream of expletives, to Kyoya's amazement (and slight bemusement) before flooring it, jerking the steering wheel right and left in a frantic effort to dodge innocents while gaining as much ground as possible.

Kyoya was never more convinced of Tamaki's insanity, and never more aware of his own feeble mortality than at that point.

In what seemed like milliseconds, they'd closed in on the hole in the wall, just as the last yanki disappeared down the yellow slide.

"No time to dismount," Tamaki said, to Kyoya's horror. He realized all too clearly what Tamaki meant to do. "We're going to FLY, Kyoya!"

Tamaki and Kyoya braced themselves as the tram lurched out the window and bounced sickeningly on the air-filled slide, swerving wildly as Tamaki tried desperately to keep control of it. "I can't steer!" he yelled almost hysterically. "I can't brake!"

"Screw the steering wheel, screw the brakes! Just HANG ON!" Kyoya screamed as they hurtled towards the ground.

They landed at the foot of the slide with a jarring _thump_, rattling their bones to the very core. From his seat, Kyoya quickly took inventory of their craft. Noting the absence of smoke, sparks, or flames, he quickly deemed it safe to move on.

"We good?" Tamaki asked breathlessly, anxiously.

Kyoya nodded tersely, scarcely having time to take a steadying breath before Tamaki punched it.

They were close on the tails of the yanki's five cars, mere yards behind them, but both Tamaki and Kyoya came to the bleak realization that on this straightaway, there was no way that their puny tram would be able to catch up to actual cars. Furthermore, the cars were driving in a diamond formation, with four guard cars forming a protective diamond around the center car, no doubt the one holding Kasanoda, Haruhi, and Python. Even if they could catch up, the diamond of cars would be impenetrable to two unarmed men.

_If only there was a way to make the cars have to dodge and swerve, like we'd had to in the hallway . . . _Tamaki thought in desperation. But there were only several hundred meters of runway stretched ahead of him, before an escape gate the yanki were aiming for. If the cars made it through that gate, all hope would be lost.

Then, without warning, one of the tires on the lead car blew out in a frenzy of shredded rubber, sending the vehicle spinning into the leftmost car, following just inches too closely, crashing both of them into a cluster of stacked crates.

"What? How?" Kyoya stammered in bewilderment. Suddenly, his Bluetooth alerted him to a call. "Hikaru? Kaoru?" he asked in amazement, hardly daring to believe it could be true.

"_Hai_!" It never occurred to Kyoya that he'd ever be so happy to hear those two nasal voices.

"Kyoya, we've got three shots left," Hikaru said hurriedly. "We'll do what we can about the other two guard cars, but after that, you're on your own!"

Kyoya quickly agreed and relayed this information to Tamaki, renewing the determination in his eyes as the twins' next shot lodged itself in the fuel tank of the rightmost car, exploding with a satisfying flare of flames and igniting the gasoline. Kyoya could hear gleeful giggles over his headset, as the yanki were forced to scramble away from their burning vehicle, nearly tripping over themselves in their panic, and could hardly control his laughter himself.

However, any sense of confidence was premature, as the twins' next two shots missed their targets, ricocheting wildly off the cars' front fenders and hubcaps. At this point, they were halfway down the runway and after slowing briefly while under fire from the twins, the two remaining cars were gaining speed.

"Now what?" Kyoya asked Tamaki.

Tamaki didn't know how to answer that, so he kept silent, while jamming his foot down harder on the gas pedal.

"Tama – HOY!" Kyoya yelped, as a crate came sailing out of nowhere, landing almost directly in front of the last guard car. It screeched almost to a halt and jerked to the right before jerking abruptly to the left again, to dodge yet another crate. Kyoya cast his eyes around to see where the crates were coming from, and happened to catch a glimpse of a tuft of blond hair and Mori's tall, strong silhouette atop a mountain of crates, just beyond their current position.

Tamaki cheered, whooping wildly out of sheer relief, while Kyoya (though definitely not the religious type) made a silent promise to visit the family shrine later if he came out of this with his nerves intact.

Tamaki, eyes glued to the road, asked Kyoya what Mori and Hunny were planning on doing next. However, his question was answered through the steady hail of crates that eventually not only forced the two cars to separate, but crushed the last guard car's engine.

Then, Kyoya saw the twins join Hunny and Mori atop their makeshift siege tower. Kaoru handed Hunny his backpack, and the little one took aim and fired. Through years of practice with shuriken, Hunny's aim was true, and the backpack's net soared above their heads and spread like a majestic, airborne octopus, before plummeting down onto the windshield of the remaining car.

This final distraction was all Tamaki needed to catch up to his quarry. Pulling up along the driver's side of the car, he motioned for Kyoya to take over the controls. Kyoya took the wheel and eased his foot onto the gas pedal, as Tamaki exchanged places with him and stood on the edge of the tram, clinging onto the passenger seat for what little support it offered. His eyes darted around the tram, searching for something, anything, that could be used as a weapon.

A tool kit lay half hidden under the passenger seat. Tamaki snatched it up and rifled through its contents before settling on a solid-looking steel wrench. Drawing his hand back, he slammed it as hard as he could against the glass of the driver's side window. The impact jarred him so hard that the reverberations traveled all the way up his arm and through his spine, rattling his teeth like a miniature earthquake in his skull – of course the windows were made of bulletproof glass.

Meanwhile, all Tamaki's valiant strike had done was alert Python to his presence. Snarling viciously, the yakuza boss pulled a gun out from the folds of his jacket.

Kyoya heard Tamaki's startled yelp and out of the corner of his eye, caught a glimpse of Python's livid face and a flash of dull grey as the sun reflected off his gun. Immediately, Kyoya knew that Python would shoot to kill without hesitation, and did the only thing he could think of. He simultaneously grabbed the back of Tamaki's jacket and yanked him back while jerking the steering wheel to the right, smashing the tram into the side of the car.

Python was completely unprepared for Kyoya's stroke of genius (or madness), and in the jolt from the impact, dropped the gun while fighting to regain control of the car.

Tamaki seized his opportunity. Clutching his wrench, Tamaki took a giant leap of faith onto the side of the moving vehicle and clambered up onto the roof.

Kyoya gulped and gave Tamaki one long, final look, trying to communicate everything with his eyes, as his vocal cords no longer seemed to be willing to cooperate with him. Tamaki nodded, and Kyoya peeled away, turning the tram around to meet Hunny, Mori, Hikaru and Kaoru as they ran up to meet him.

Tamaki's heart was thundering like a spastic machine gun, and he could have sworn that if only he could have used it as a jackhammer, he would've been able to stop the vehicle without the slightest problem. However, as it stood, Tamaki felt like its erratic thumping only threatened to throw him off balance to his death.

Then, with a start, Tamaki realized that he was actually lying on top of a sunroof. Could it be possible that the old boss Python was arrogant enough to believe that no one would ever get close enough to the top of his car to attempt to break in through his sunroof? It was worth a shot.

Tamaki slammed his wrench down and immediately, there was the gratifying sound of glass cracking and giving way. A few more strikes with the wrench, and Tamaki was able to kick in the flimsy shade beneath the glass of the sun roof. He swung his legs in . . . But by that time, Python had managed to recover his gun and was shooting madly up at the sky in random places.

Tamaki was unable (and unwilling) to lower the rest of his body into the car, so the best he could do was wrap his legs around Python's neck in an attempt to choke him into submission. He couldn't help but release a half-hysterical giggle at the idea of strangling a python. _Oh, how the tables have turned,_ he thought morbidly.

But it would be unfair to think that, during all this time, Haruhi had merely been sitting idly, waiting to be rescued like some sort of weepy, worthless damsel in distress. In fact, she had been working tirelessly to squirm into an upright position, no easy feat when one considered that she was gagged, her hands bound behind her back, her feet bound together then bound to Kasanoda's wrists, which were also bound behind his back and hog-tied to his ankles.

But just as Tamaki's lower half had come crashing in through the roof, she'd succeeded. Haruhi rose up from the backseat like an angry rattlesnake, her eyes holding the same deathly calm as Kyoya's when he'd realized that Antoinette had mangled his glasses into oblivion.

Silently, she slithered forward so her head was just alongside Python's. Completely preoccupied with trying to gnaw off Tamaki's leg, Python was oblivious to Haruhi's presence. She stretched back as far as her spine would allow, then, with all the matter-of-factness of an exasperated goat, crashed her cranium into Python's skull.

Python went rigid for a second then toppled forward, his forehead bouncing off the steering wheel.

Shortly after, the rest of Tamaki dropped through the sunroof and he wiggled into the passenger seat, greeting Haruhi with an exuberant smile. "We won!" he cheered.

"HHHHRRRRNNNNGHH!" Haruhi answered, her eyes still wide with panic.

Confused, Tamaki realized after a second that the car was still in motion, and they were within several yards of the chain link gate at the end of the runway. Moreover, Python was woozily beginning to stir. Tamaki nonchalantly whacked him once more with the wrench. Then, he quickly shoved Python's legs and lolling head out of his way, braked as hard as he dared, and came skidding to a stop.

The car was swiftly surrounded by even more men in matching, nondescript black suits, just as Python came blinking back into consciousness. He came to just in time to be handcuffed by the Ohtori Secret Police, and to see all his men being dragged into custody amidst a riot of red and blue flashing lights and wailing sirens.

"We won!" Tamaki cheered again breathlessly, springing up into the air. This time, when he came down, he was joined by Haruhi and Kasanoda, and the three of them engulfed in hugs from the rest of the club members.

It was then, and only then, that Haruhi's brain began to release the torrent of emotions and stress that she'd lived through in the past couple of days. Much to Haruhi's frustration, those emotions, lacking a way out through her mouth, released themselves through a steady flow of tears from her doelike eyes. She wiped at them, utterly perplexed, but they kept streaming out of her eyes.

"Silly, why are you crying?" Tamaki laughed, pulling her into a hug.

Haruhi could only muster enough energy to mutter that she didn't know, and tried alternately pulling away and shoving ineffectually at Tamaki. Eventually though, exhaustion overcame her, and she settled, albeit unwillingly, into the crook of his arm as he led her and the rest of their group away from the chaotic scene, back to normalcy.

Or, at least, normalcy as far as Ouran was concerned.

* * *

And that's it, guys! If the desire so strikes, I might post a short little epilogue, but for all intents and purposes, this is the end, of both this fic and (probably) my fanfiction career. It was great while it lasted, and thanks SO MUCH for all your support and reviews. It really has meant a lot to me. So once again, arrigatou and ja ne!


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